Unraveling ourselves

Once my buttoned up and grossly disfigured representation of their version of "normalcy" fell, I could no longer force all of me back into that fake shell. My energy depleted from decades of being told how "fake" I am, while they punch me down into a box that isn't Amanda-shaped. 

Now, I float free, trying to collect the scattered pieces of myself, after the explosion of freedom from their bindings. I have time to examine each piece of myself that never fit their "norms," whilst continually embracing the fact that I am absolutely ok with being different from everyone else in society. 

I bucked against the norms most of my childhood, submitted to them (and worse) in my 20's, and found healing in my brokenness throughout my 30's. 

As I pass my 43rd cycle around that big ball of fire in the sky, I have reached a calm that only comes from healing deeply traumatic stuff. I have a therapist who reminds me how awesome I am, and that it's okay to pat my own back & be proud of myself. 

After decades of wondering, "when will I be able to start My Life?," I can finally take a step out into void that escaped me. I can be my actual & real self, the one that is misunderstood by most of the humans I meet, the one who lights up when something of interest intrigues me. 

Go find your real you, and embrace yourself with all the patience & kindness you were never afforded, because you Are Worth That, and so much more! 

Wants vs Needs & the in-betweens

Sure, we all have wants in life, and we can tend to *think* they're needs. How do we convince ourselves of this? In so many fucked up ways, because lack of actual needs can justify all the *wants* that become accessible as 'compromises,' in so many ways, once we hear the word, "no."

How many times, after stating a #need in life,  have you heard, "no," and immediately went on to find an acceptable compromise, because you knew you'd hear, "no?" How many times have you had several options at the ready, because of that expected, "no," from any given request? 

If people cannot see the value in your *need,* and you have justified your actual Need for said thing, how many ways should you try to express it? Should you even try any longer to express it? Do you break down, examine, and fully autopsy this 'need?' 

If people are always expecting a 'yes,' from you, while consistently saying, 'no,' to you, it's time to work on getting those needs met yourself, in safe and practical ways, yes? 

If the 'need' were money for health-based stuff, you'd do what? 

If the 'need' were for mental health help, you'd do what? 

Add any need into that, and see how you would answer it: 

Medications, dr visits, deep conversation with someone who understands, patience, time, space, help, etc

Whims of this Wild Woman

Maybe I have leapt further than is safe more than a few times. Perhaps I have misjudged people, and blindly trusted them, because of my unhealed trauma. I've allowed myself to believe in pretty lies and promises that would never bloom. 

That woman is no longer here. She's been gone for quite some time now. What's left, in her place, is a very hurt girl, waiting for true safety and healing. It's time for her to be a priority, finally. It shouldn't have taken 40 years, but it has, for one fucked up reason or another. But, it's truly her time to shine. 

Stumbling forward in time

As I dissect, and examine, each piece of my past, I sit in awe of how much I have survived already in my 40 years of life.  

The ice water being thrown on me, being thrown down the stairs, being dragged by my hair, being whipped with a belt or slotted spoon, having little/no support/encouragement, and being everyone's favorite emotional ragdoll. Abusive family, friends, and lovers. 6 miscarriages and a couple assaults. A lot of alcohol, and "being the bigger person," even when it broke me repeatedly. 

It's amazing how many patterns arise once your healing journey actually begins, though, thankfully. Patterns that are My own, and others...

Seeing the fucked up choices that stay consistent, the anxieties & issues that crawl throughout my life, and the varied people who leach what they can because they know they can. Seeing people for who they truly and actually are, because I'm no longer listening to their sweet lies. No, no, I am allowing their actions to speak for them, and it's so far from the words their mouth say most times. That's fine, I'll be okay without them, if they were only ever going to lie anyway. I don't need double standards in my life, ever. They are NOT allowed, and I'm evicting them swiftly. 

On to people who only speak negatively, or who do the toxic positivity 'thing,' yet think I'm their personal counselor/therapist; so they always come to me for a boost, while simultaneously putting me down with a backhanded compliment. No need for that here, either. No sir. I am getting back to my bubbly and optimistic self, without interference from any negative nancies. I will just have to evict them from my life, or tune them way the fuck out, because there is no room in my energy zones for it. 

Seeing people for who they really are, and to stop letting my emotions guide me so blindly into chaos willingly, bc I didn't stop to consider there might be lies involved, or promises that were never going to be kept. Figuring out that people get to know me, just to see which types of abuse I have/do tolerate, and then behaving in those abhorrent ways towards me. Infuriating & absolutely disgusting display of behavior, in my opinion. 

People who are so willing to treat you as if you were the one who broke their heart, instead of treating you like the love they said you were. Untrusting, distant, unfocused, and snippy. 

The ones who discard so easily, but then cry & beg you to come back to them, only for them to continue acting as they had before; no change in sight, because they aren't really capable or willing. 

People trying to make themselves a victim after they have gaslit me to the point of dissociation, or worse. Those are some of the worst experiences ever. Being gaslit, or emotionally abused is a special kind of hell all its own, I swear. Especially when endured over a long period of time. Hearing & seeing someone reveal that they're not themselves in such ugly ways is truly eye-opening. Add in a swath of other issues simultaneously, and you never truly do know which end is up, at any given moment. It just makes it too easy to allow someone to be your compass, when you're too tired to do it anymore. You find out later that you are very off course, because the plan and path you set out on was left in another's hands...someone who got tired of pretending to be like you, or to have the same goals. 

Too many times in my life, I have felt like MY life hadn't yet started, because my life always has someone else in its center. Now that my stepson is an adult, I can finally put myself at the center of my world, for true & full healing. No more waiting, or making sure everyone else is okay first. 23mo ago, I had started my delay of hysterectomy which led me down a very fucked up & unusual road. It's time that the very loud elephant in the room is addressed, as I have dealt with it for over 28yrs now, and it's not gotten better with age. 

Deep in the Shallows

Have you ever been so deep in the shallows, that you lose yourself? 

...to be around people who deal in shallow things so much, that you're drawn in, unwittingly, involuntarily? 

What if this happens right as you are vulnerable, and in need of actual support, with strict standards? 

...to worry whether you will flounder, as you seek support in the most desperate of times. 

Feeling the necessity for warmth from the depths you cannot reach; not alone, at least. 

We fight the tide that keeps pounding at us, keeping us ashore, beached, aching to swim free. 

Walk away on a whisper

Walk away on a whisper, my dear

Let them ignore you more

If you're lucky, it will be days before they notice

If you're not, simply start to run

Run to the safety that you believe in

And away from the pains that plague

Gifted & Talented, with lost potential

I remember being so excited to hear my teacher tell me I was considered "Gifted & Talented," and for the opportunity to go to a different school, to learn with other kids more like myself. 

That's not how my story went, though. I cannot remember if it was 2 or 3 years in a row, but my teachers consistently saw me as a bright & gifted student, in Elementary School. 

So why did I not go to the Special Smart Kids School? 

Ahhh, that would be my mother. "Worried" about my learning outside my age group, but especially that it would make my sister (14mo older) feel bad. 

Held back from my potential, year after year, dimming my hope as early as 1st grade, and reminding me how unimportant I was, while demanding straight A's in all my classes at the school I was bored attending. 

I remember my Daddy writing up math problems just to keep me busy, and I'd spend hours doing them. I loved Math so much. I loved all my subjects!! I didn't study, I simply absorbed information. 

I was not allowed to do activities my mother didn't approve of, so I only was allowed ones I despised being part of. Brownies being the most horrible experience of them all, especially for me, a tomboy banned from their own kitchen. 

Imagine knowing how smart you are, knowing nothing will make your family see or appreciate it, and that it would be forever until you'd be released. 

It's a frightening place to be, especially for a bored younger me, who wanted to learn as much as possible about anything & everything. So many layered questions, gone unanswered over time, as "nobody has time for that, Bear!!,' rang through the air. There never seemed to be time, energy, money, or such for me specifically. Sad thing to realize before you even enter elementary school. Knowing that there was nothing there could be done If/When someone wanted to bully me for ill-fitting clothes, or any other number of things. Kids truly can be so cruel, and I'm glad I always did understand that it was not my fault that I wore my sisters' hand-me-downs, because they were able to get brand new clothes often. 

My smarts were effectively used against me, and I started using it as a reason to not try.