Friday, October 4, 2019

Chapter 5: Entering my 40’s with less understanding of ‘normal’

No surprise to see I had to escape reality yesterday. I took my two guys hostage, for #FamilyDateNight (my son hates when I call it this), to see ‘The Joker!’ It seemed appropriate, after the decade I’ve been through. 

#PerfectTiming #SilverLinings #MyTwoGuys


Sonny was able to keep his day off work, and we got to both of my appointments, early! Despite many much #2DaysPastNever #FunFuckery going on! Gotta love Thursday’s! 

We get to the cardiologist 45-50 minutes early, and I’m ecstatic! I have time to ensure I’ve completed all the paperwork! 

No, Amanda! You’ve gone to the wrong location, and need to head straight into rush hour, to get there on time. 

Can we do this? Yes, We Can! 

And arrived early, too! God I love weird adrenaline rushes. 

🚨 My fears are odd, and valid, based on my worn tread. The twisted & unhealthy coping mechanisms mayBe slightly varied in this model! 🚨 


Cardiologist: scheduled echocardiogram, nuclear stress test, and halter monitor ❤️ recheck in December. 

Cardiologist said I do have EDS, and said to see a rheumatologist for diagnosis, and he will check my heart for the irregularities that are common. *all simply bc I grabbed and pulled the skin on my arm, exclaiming that I had zero idea until this year, that it wasn’t normal. 

The nurse there helped me find a loophole, in order to medicate for pain safely, without breaking the rules of the nuclear test; since my insurance is quick to deny claims, and medical cannabis is usually a concern with any of my physicians. It’s definitely listed as a prescription for my pain management (and then some!) 


So, the cardiologist’s Urbana, Md office, is about 3 minutes from my favorite dispensary! 

Guess who grabbed meds & munchies before heading to the Duck Doctor!? 

This bitch, right here! 💚




Pelvic Pain Specialist: 1st prescription: 20min walk outside at least 3x a week. Recheck in a month. And the ever popular Pelvic Floor PT. We discussed the muscle tightness, especially on the right side, and how a hysterectomy may not help someone with the level of pelvic floor dysfunction that I have. 

Also, I definitely have something systemic. The problem will be, with which type of EDS I actually am diagnosed. Because the type determines my chance for helpful treatment. EDS is hard to diagnose, and harder to treat, even with specialists who understand it. Because it’s so complex, and bc I have so much trauma in my past, it’s just going to be a harder recovery than I was expecting. That’s not to say that I’m displeased with my Thursday. I’m relieved to be back with compassionate doctors. 

I may be able to avoid a kitchen renovation, guys! I’ve never had an issue with starting PT! I’ve simply had an issue with going with zero diagnosis reason at all. 

We discussed head injuries, and the lack of treatment or pursuit of answers, post-concussion. 

Thank God I’ll be seeing another new neurologist soon! Concussions are a major concern for me. I hit my head a lot, and have been knocked out cold, a lot, in my life! 


*One injury caused me to want to go to school for a math test the next day. Neck collar, 2 days rest, and back to school I went. Wooden A-frame ladder to the head, in school, on the stage during drama class. Thanks again, BHS! 

With each fall, hit to the head, I became more frantic, and the drs seem to care less about my brain, and more about the fear and ignorance of my #BiPolar 

#MentalHealthMatters 

#BrainInjury or #BiPolar or #BOTH? 


Also, I’ve started requesting that my specialists keep my MMCC ID on file. At this point, I will NOT be seeing many drs who aren’t cannabis friendly! So I want to be sure they are aware of how serious I am about my medication. 

I am proud of how far I’ve come with the help of medical cannabis. I truly am!! It’s helping me in more ways than I ever thought possible! 

The #Stigma exists for a reason. 

#BeTheChange

💚🤓🏍🧚‍♂️

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Friendship Fuckery

This. One. Post. Caused me so much pain yesterday, when I was having an amazing day, and I just need to vent. A lot. How can things get so out of out if control, and why do I have to answer immediately; when I feel/relate/convey more emotions, at a much broader range, than most people? 
People can jump to conclusions, and rip me up; and send in a referee (mediator) to clean up the mess; but I defend myself, and I’m an asshole who’s making people crazy? 
WTF indeed. 




I’m just hurt, and for good reason. I’ll get through it; bc friends, real friends, are checking in...

People who expect absolutely zero from me, but a check-in and good back-and-forth conversation; no matter how tired or stressed they are. 

Thank you; to these amazing friends! They are #diamonds in my life 


Then you offer to set my mania straight, and lure me with falsities of security in your #lovingkindness and friendship. 

Looks like: 

Oh hey, checking in on you. I miss you

I’m sorry all is a mess. What’s going on? 

Oh Idk what this is about. Sorry. 

Let’s do xyz soon. I miss you. 


Hours later...I see an event‼️ this person is doing, around said ‘xyz’ #lure


Inclusion is fine. I love #inclusion. I don’t REQUIRE inclusion. I REQUIRE #respect and #consideration, for what I AM going through, and NOT what I can do for you. 

No, I’m not fine! Glad you are! Seriously!! I am so happy that you are happy! But, please...just don’t fuck with my emotions right now. 

If you think a suicidal friend can make you suicidal; check in on that friend, or send someone else....

Quit FUCKING WITH PEOPLE’S EMOTIONS! 

I wish you could see. I’m sorry you can’t. Please open your beautiful eyes. I know you can’t help it. But you look to my words often, and find solace for a reason. 

#iNeedSolace too. #Peace is not plentiful in my life, so please stop offering me anxiety & stress. 

In crowds, I feel expected to ‘perform,’ and be happy. I’m actually hassled for being quiet (or loud)

If you think it’s easy being me, please pay for the mental healthcare I need, so I’m actually better. 

Your friendship would be amazing, if it met my needs at the moment. I’m sorry it can’t be. 

I need my deep soul-ship friends right now; but they’re all going through hell. 

Probably because of other assholes, or situations, wrecking their lives. And no, it’s NOT fair. Nobody should expect it to be. 

#DontKickADownedWarrior, but watch also how you lift them! Especially if they have TBI’s! They’re more vulnerable than you think. Brain injuries cause their one special he’ll! And I’ve endured a lot of major concussions in my life. 

On that note, don’t send in a referee guys. Don’t send your spouse or friends or anyone...if you don’t have the fucking balls to say something to me, yourself. I don’t need to be man-sprained to, when I did NOTHING wrong. This is why I’m glad my husband won’t go after people. Because I’m not the encouraging type, but he’d defend me if I needed it. I know he would. I’ve had ex’s let me get in fiat fights with men, to defend MYSELF

If you think you can’t handle me, and you send a MAN; I will fucking level him too! That’s how it works! 





I’m an honest person, who is bluntly myself...consistently. 

#HugYou for assuming otherwise, and not thinking my love for you was real; and showing me your true pain, in lashing out at me. I’m not the one you’re mad at, truly. Neither is the one that I refuse to bash. Get over it by yourself, with YOUR friends, who sympathize completely. I cannot relate to you on that level of hate. I just CANNOT. It’s on the level of #racism and #sexism for me. I just HATE #hate, and then I’m bashed for answering with facts; bc I’m the person “who creates safe spaces and doesn’t bash people.” And then people constantly suggest I take a break from FB 

No! I’m an advocate. I show all my pain, as much as I want...on MY wall. 

My point of view is NOT skewed, I promise you! I know my role in this, and with help while emotional, I can see if I’ve hurt you. I see every single move I’ve made on my end, and every move from yours near me. I’m observant AF! 

Yes, I do know you’re going through hell. I set a limit, you said you understood, and that it’s okay! Now you’re sending your husband to MY wall?? I’ve never even met him 


*To more than just one person:

Don’t come to me with falsities, to promote yourself, as a friend, while inviting me to something ‘seemingly fun,’ and don’t even tell me you have plans. 

Oh you’re selling tickets‼️

Bet you’ll decide to offer me a free one. 

I bet you think I’ll invite MY friends. 

When people who care offer things, I automatically know who is there, and what to expect...WHEN IT IS OFFERED. NO behind the back slick shit. 

This is what it’s like to be me....EVERY DAY‼️

BC IM NICE AND GIVE A FUCK....ABOUT ANYTHING AND ANYONE‼️‼️EVEN JUST A LITTLE


IM NOT ACCEPTING YOUR PAIN RIGHT NOW‼️

I’ve been screaming this publicly for quite a while now. 

I’ve had FRIENDS who I barely talk to, reach out to make sure I’m alright‼️


People have had me so torn up, that I’ve literally bitten one of my best friend’s hands (Love you, sis); but bc we’re fucking adults:

1) her children never knew anything happened

2) my son (much older) knew barely anything

3) I tried my best to not bitch much about her, through my pain and healing

4) when I calmed down enough, I reached back out to her; with true guilt and shame, knowing I’d be met with a gentle embrace. 

5) I’m there for her, and she’s here for me; as we both face hell, together, again‼️

#Friendship #Sisterhood #MySis 💖


Just pick up your own pieces, and go away. I am NOT on YOUR wall, makinga mess. You’re in MY “LOVE POST,” having fun being a twat-enema! 

Glad to have been blocked by one person! 


Have a peaceful Tuesday, fuckers! You’ve earned it! 


Sunday, September 15, 2019

Straddling Blurred Lines by A.May

Straddling Blurred Lines
by A. May 4.Sept'17...more #BluntSpeak for you





Amongst Faith, Family, Health, & Sanity
She Became Her Own Hero 
She loves her God, but isn't in church
She endures most all the pains & the hurt
She sees emotional, physical, and mental decline
She breaks off a chunk of herself to put aside
She sings her own sweet & hopeful song
She dreams of a life with no pain at all
She loves her husband with all of her soul
She wants to be so much more a wife to him
She gives her son the priority, love, guidance
She also has to set rules, consequences, & enforce
She bulldozes her way through batshit crazy
She creates a life inside her illness boundaries
She lives at the sidelines of her life for so long 
She wonders how shit had not gone wrong
She soon finds out that her mind had tricked her
She was victim again, and not yet the victor
She gasps for a breath, and reaches up high
She climbs from the depths, and into the night
She rests her bone-deep weary body & mind
She awakes to fight again for her family, her life, their future
She unleashes all the fury inside to the fight...to make sure both she & her little family grows stronger with time. 

Thursday, September 5, 2019

Go East, young one! *Im trying*

I grew up in the boondocks, with minimal care. It’s true, I need to migrate east. Nature over nurture was my life! There wasn’t much pure love in my family. Everything was conditional. I literally clung to those who loved me, and forced myself on those with hate in their hearts, bc ‘it was the right thing to do.’ I welcomed any escape that was provided, bc my mother kept me from fun activities. I didn’t even have a birthday party with friends, until I was 16! And because it snowed, I wasn’t allowed to reschedule. There was a blizzard! Always is when someone actually offers me something I’ve wanted. But especially, at the beginning of February. It’s why I can always know to expect a disaster around my birthday. My mother made us share birthdays, on each of our birthdays. It made us each selfish in different ways. Me? I lived in hand-me downs. And had barely any toys, bc my mother thought I should play with barbies. My fix? Ripping off the heads, and flushing said heads! My sister’s solutions, to that? Putting my GI Joes and Ewoks, in the oven. And I was banned from the kitchen. 

The offers of escape though? They were so amazing! And I wish they were more frequent, or longer. Because I knew (and the loving people around me knew), that it was toxic to stay around selfish people. I was raised by a narcissistic mother  (she was made that way by her family), and the lies and intentionally sneaky pain that a narcissist can inflict, is just disgusting. Pitting siblings against each other; and allowing them to emotionally & physically damage each other, while going off drinking to numb her pain (or whatever addiction she chooses.) And making us “kiss & make up,” when they instigated it all; by not doing anything to help...from the beginning. My addictions come from not having the correct people in my life. They literally are the disgustingly twisted coping mechanisms I grew up with! Cussing to voice my hurt more appropriately, for me; popping off at people who hurt others, for self-gain; giving someone enough rope, and seeing if they’ll hang themselves publicly with it; being inappropriate to lighten the mood of the crowd; etc...

Why, you may ask? I’m showing their true intent, while showing all the pain they’ve caused me, without them ever admitting to it. It’s the best defensive move, that a broken bird can make. 

And I’m facing constant conditional love throughout my life, because I’m a loving person, and getting bitten by people who want help...just not mine. There’s a reason they won’t come directly to me. There’s a reason everyone wants me to help them. They need it. They need the love as much as I do. They don’t know that I see all their pain, and want to make it go away. I share a lot of feelings with people, bc I’ve experienced so much pain myself. “Just treat me like an equal human being, at this point!” If nothing else, how about YOU stop hurting me? 

‘Go West, young man,’ gets me so much. We went to California chasing gold, not peace. It’s why we left our ‘Motherland,’ correct? We all needed and wanted something better, something ‘more.’


That feeling of being ill, helpless, and feeling like nobody is there? That’s what you feel? I’ve been there for awhile...right next to you, as you looked the other way, into a mirror; worried about your needs. 

But, it’s still my fault? My fault that I have a wider range of emotions, feel more than just joy, love, anger, and jealousy? Good grief; please stop whining! 


I am not jealous of people. I’m jealous of time. 


You expect of me, while not giving me much; and make me cry, but I’m supposed to be the bigger person. But when you cry, I’m abandoned. Just as when you made me cry. 

You’ve stolen away what you promised. You've lied to yourself, and me, at every turn. You’ve bottled me up in my own self, and you’ve slowly let my soul die. 

Now you want me to leave you alone? When weeks ago, you wanted to know why I wasn’t talking to you, and I told you I needed time. It’s not hard to say, “I don’t like you, or prefer you,” but you don’t have the Balls to say it. But, it’s my fault that I do have those balls? Shut up! I’m supposed to bend to your limitations, in the name of ‘compromise,’ but all you do is load me up with more of your pain? Forcing me to feel obliged to do things that stress out my entire body & mind? No! No more! Accept the fact that you are being too greedy, and I’m being starved of love and care. 

You! You did that! And it’s my fault? 

You approved of our marriage, but undermined it at every chance, and even created disturbances that shouldn’t have existed. And, it’s my fault? 

You knew I came from a broken home, and needed love; and you said I had to learn to get over things. And that’s my fault? You sound so familiar, bc I’ve heard your soul’s voice before. In every single self-centered person who only cares for themselves and those immediately around them. 

If you look at people and their lives, and look past the bullshit; you see where their loyalty lies, who they spend their time with, mostly. 

Don’t you see me here alone? Do you come see me? But, you sure like to make me miserable, everytime I walk by! You can’t resist just asking of me, without even offering a pleasantry. 

That becomes triggering to sensitive people. We want to grow close, and you push us away. Some of us (ME) try to form boundaries, to respect limitations, and ask permission in the beginning. After being told yes, we’re told we’ve done something extremely wrong. 

We’re told we overran a project; when all we did was go ahead with plans that were agreed upon. And that’s my fault? How? How can agreed upon plans that go sideways from your point of view, be MY FAULT?? 

Dear Lord, these people are exhausting to deal with! 

If you’re looking over your shoulder, you’re cautious. 

If you’re looking to the future, you’re wise. 

If you’re not looking at both, while scanning peripheral; you’re more stupid than you realize. Who the hell taught you to NOT consider everyone around you? If you aren’t paying attention to faces, and merely chasing a butterfly; you truly are only looking out for yourself. 

I’m not sorry, if that hurts your feelings. You’ve hurt mine enough. 

No matter your personality; I can see motive deep inside of you, even if you aren’t aware of it. I’ve lived around assholes long enough. 

Stay thirsty, guys! #BeTheChange 

Just acknowledge any of the hurt you’ve caused. 

Any. At. All. 

And we can talk about how to deal, and heal, together. 

💚🤓🏍🧚‍♂️






Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Shirt off my back

Most people today, and how a person would give me the shirt off their back. But most people aren’t talking about someone who has had a mass quantity of money, and gave; and then went on to be impoverished, and still give of the little that they had. 
If you can’t still give, when you are poor; or still steal, when you are poor...you will never change. Money truly is your bottom line; no matter upon which personality, the line is drawn. 

If you have always undercut someone, to get ahead; you’ll continue that in any tax bracket. It’s mentaility, and not related to gender or race. 
Desperation breeds dementia, it seems. 
Add enough adversity, with no coping skills; and you have mental illness. If you have mental illness, and no help; you’re a short trip to the looney bin. And then no one will ever know your story. 
Accept help; but make your intentions clear, if you want others to be as honest as you. That makes everyone see who walked the rope, and who used it wrongfully. 


Sunday, August 25, 2019

Just Be There

Wanting to simply be there to help others, is suspicious; at best. 

Count the times I’ve Not been there, with good excuses; and balance against the times I was there, despite the worst. 

I’ve given of myself with promises of repayment of one thing or another. I’ve learned to never give anything that I wasn’t willing to live without. 

No matter how close the friend; they can hurt you. Simply by the shame of not being able to fulfill said promise; that was never asked for. 

They shouldn’t need my permission to help me. But they feel inadequate to help; because they know they’ve let me down recently, in one way or another. 

I’m Not the person that weighs those things minutely. The small things add up. If you can consistently show up, with voluntarily ‘debt’ to someone, that they didn’t request; please Do NOT hurt them more by being embarrassed over a spur of the moment promise (if you still do intend to keep it). 

If you plan to keep not repaying that ‘debt’ to a friend, whether it’s $10 or a replacement hoodie; if you cared at all, still be there. They were there for you when you needed it. 

Shame shouldn’t stop the healing process so badly. We’re meant to be social creatures; and learn from each other, to the atom. 

It’s much easier to make assumptions, when we’re not willing to understand or accept someone else’s reality. 

It’s also easier to make excuses, when we don’t allow ourselves; the chance to learn to see, the differences in another’s past. 

It’s one thing to have shallow feelings, like jealousy, over an ex, but what about; fear to protect pain from that person, dealing with people seeing their behavior & allowing exposure to its toxicity, 

Sunday, August 18, 2019

The Safety Net of Butterfly Catcher’s’

I can trip over air in the deepest depression. 
Currently stuck in this cloud! It’s okay though, guys! I saw the lighthouse from here! 


I have friends who have muted my ass on social media, just to keep their emotions safe, from me; but also to stay there for me. Consistently! 
These are the people who have embraced the tsunami as it progressed towards land, folks! These fine people are who made me, me! 

Every single person we meet in this life, has an impact on our journey to the beyond. 
Every: scent, taste, sight, sound, face we see, voice we hear, every. single. little or big. touch of the skin or hair; that can ignite our soul, or burn our village to the ground. 

A whisper can kill, if the right words are said; at the right time. 
I’ve seen what those whispers can do to people. Suicide. It causes suicide. If someone is on a ledge, and you push them; it’s murder. If they’re on the ledge, running from you; and you whisper, “Jump, or I’ll get you anyway!,” then you deserve the biggest, hug in the world for being so fucking ugly. 

These are years and years, decades upon decades of many, varied obstacles (big, or small) that we find in our path. 

I’m embracing this struggle, hard AF as it is right now; and I feel so blessed to have endured so much pain to have such a spectacular mid-life crisis. Be envious. It’s okay!