Dear #ChronicWarrior

Dear #ChronicWarrior - 

I know you've been through a lot already, and more to go through, still. 

Looking at things that please our eyes, will please our brains/emotions, as well. Look at your pain, through your mind's eye, when possible. See the beauty in the chaos, or find a fun distraction. 

I can easily say that I picture my muscles, ligaments, and tendons strengthening themselves; after years, of feeling them being pulled apart. A friend is helping me find healing in positive speech with our body. If we are tender & loving to our bodies, it replies in kind. 

Take the time for that soak! Spend that extra hour resting, when possible! Take time to say Yes to yourself, and start saying No!, to miserable things that zap your energy. 

Find ways to reduce the amount of negative stimulation in your day, as well. Less television, or less social media; more quiet time, and more family time. 

The real Race...

I have always believed in one Race, which is The Human one. I don't wear labels well, especially when placed on me, by others. 

God made man, and gave him his own free will. Then, Man created words, and gave them meaning. Men Chose the word 'Race,' to be a separation, and challenge. White men, at that time (and still), in power to do so. 

Faded, Butt Fabulous!

Faded, butt Fabulous Dragonflies

I'm safe. I'm happy. 

Across many miles, and hardships, I see your beautiful light!

You're fighting so damned hard to stay #Perfect; for everyone else, while being glorified, for falling apart...so damned beautifully! Don't let them clip your wings! 

It shouldn't take someone so "disgusting" as me, to point out that a trauma SURVIVOR should be screaming like an idiot, running around town; with their hair on fire, looking desperately for the help...they've truly needed! 

Jesus fucking hello, people! 

See what switching your addiction, to reflection, could do for you! Introspection is a muthafucker, for reasons, because goats 🦙 #BluntSpeak 

Did they value my words, truly, before they dragged me; kicking and screaming, into "helping for friendships sake," when everyone knows that my Jeep isn't running? 

I don't get paid at all for this bullshit! 

I'm the one looking for a way to get to the damned therapist, that I've been fighting so fucking hard and long to get; now that I've 'fucked shit up appropriately,' in my "dirty cock" way. 

And now, these "friends are worried?" 🤦🏻‍♀️💆🏻‍♀️💨💨💨

What. 👏The. 👏Actual. 👏Fuck.

They asked me to bear Free Witness, and ridicule me in the name of fucking ego and persona, and think they're truly just fine? Who the fuck keeps telling them these things? It's not fucking true, assholes! They're  the fucking drama-queens! And they're  doing it publicly, and then blaming me when they pop back in to beg for fucking help, when I can't even get out of my fucking bed some days? Who the fuck do these people think they are? 

Advocates, my asshole friends! 

Starfish muthafuckers, that's it! Look at them like a #Patrick, snd it gets easier to laugh; rather than absorb their hate, and wear the shame of their words, And their actions. Wear your #love well and #Safely! 

Switch your addiction, to truly loving yourself, and be there for the people who truly do matter! 

They're broken for reasons beyond their control, and you are truly fucking not helping. 

Quit asking me to champion for people, on my #whitehorse, and Yes I fucking went there!!! Color matters here, and you don't need to know why! There are many colors in this fabulously fucked up rainbow fart sparkle party, jerkface. 

I see you, because you asked me to #witness #Freely, butt who are you to me, #FriendOfMyFriend? 

People calling owners of industry growers to say I hurt their feelings on the fucking internet. 

And you call me Crazy? Are you fucking serious, people? You're LIVE AND PAID

They are asking me to pay money, and show up, just to be blamed and ridiculed. 

butt #iAm fucking FineAF over here

In #ManicMandaLand 💚🤓🏍🧚‍♂️

#MarylandCannabis #TheAdorkableAdvocate #MyFriend #Industry MedicalCannabis #LookAtMe #Money #Greed Hate Lies #PaidAdvocates 

Do you hear me now, muthafuckers? 🤨

Do you?! 🤨🧐🧐🧐🧐🧐

#AdvocateIfYouRelate

#DontSayJump #SuicidePrevention #SuicideAwareness #MismanagedManiaMyAssMuthafucker! 🤣🤣

AND #YouHaveATherapist #CommUNITY

Major #ChronicWarriors have felt that hardcore, in the harshest ways, so often; whether anyone would like to admit it, or not! #EqualButtDifferent 

Who's truly there for them? Are you, #MyFriend 🤫🤫🤫🤫

#AcquaintanceToCourtshipForLove

I've not met some in person yet, and feel their hurt. Use your words, with Empaths people. It does hurt

My Clarinet, sadly is gone

My Clarinet: 

My daddy bought me my used clarinet. I wasn't worth a shiny new one from my loving family, bc this was an extracurricular activity with freedom and responsibility. Failed band one term for missing a concert due to pneumonia though. Mom made sure she took me just in time for me to be able to stay hole, and not wreck anyone's good time, by dragging me to a school function for a holiday concert. 

My mom's oldest daughter borrowed that same clarinet, for my nephew when he was in elementary/middle school so he could learn an instrument. 

then she sold the fucker behind my back, and told me she knew I needed money to pay my car insurance. 🤯🤬

Few years later, Damn same sister begged me to move in to "save me from a bad situation," then tried to raise rent on a rampage; and when she wouldn't let me have my stuff to move, threw it all on the front lawn (mostly broken) before I got there with the Sheriff's to just get my belongings. 

This 'moving out of my sister's house' happened the day before my 21st birthday.

So when my family says "They Wish They Could," it kinda means something different here, guys! 

This is an adult woman in her fucking 50's! 

But she's #JustFine 

Hormone Monster: Tales of teen bloodlust

#HormoneMonster: tales of teenage sibling hate during PMS 

I'm home alone, for the first time in forever, and there are actually still some potato chips in the bag! I never get to just enjoy chips, or any snack. Because I'm the family's trash compactor, of all foods that my siblings will not eat. 

I'm enjoying the salt, and crunch; and in walks my sister, already eyeing up the chips, and making her move to take the bag away. 

I immediately go to the defensive, saying, "no," and push her away. "This is MY fucking bag of chips, bitch!" 

I had worked too hard to keep calm through food wars with siblings over the years, for a fucking chip battle today. I thought, 'are these chips worth this fight that I'm about to have?,' and decided that yes, indeed, they are worth every second of the upcoming fight. I'd been fighting cravings and emotions, and crazy fights kept popping up, because my sisters loved to talk smack. So yes, she deserved a taste of the pain I get, while defending her mouth with my face. 

She thinks she's funny, and tries again. Ot doesn't help her cause, at all. I know her moves. I grew up studying my sisters, because they would gang up on me, when they were chubby and I didn't yet have strong enough muscles to fight them both off of me, alone; and without getting caught hurting them. No matter that they were the ones who came after me. 

Anywho...

I grab her by her hair, and ram her face into my kneecap, and as she screams loudly, her boyfriend walks in. I slam her head once more, pushing her into the barstools and bar. I'm no stranger to fights and have fought dudes, but I know her boyfriend wouldn't hit me. And I acknowledge it to myself, that Im trusting a man to choose NOT to strike me, and trusting his morals and ethics. So when he tried to help my sister, I mistake his move, but dont want to hurt him. I literally reach into my underwear, yank out my bloody pad, and put it on his shirt, using the half-useless adhesive that's barely holding anything together. It was beautiful! And glorious! And I was filled with disgusting pride at my successful tout of PMS-rage that I'd absolutely be hearing about for decades to come! Yay! *little celebration*

And they're instantly disgusted, and shocked! Enough time for me to grab the bag of chips, smack my sister, and run to my room with the bag of fucking chips. 

But I got MY fucking chips. 

Quit making your children compete against one another. And quit shaming the ones you force into servitude, to do your bidding for acceptance or attention. It's disgusting, and pathetic. 

And I'm being honest about my shadiest of shady shit here. You think anyone not mentally #afflicted would feel compelled to admit all they've had to do in order to survive. Shaming a victim is horrible, defending the abuser is worse. Let them eat their own mistakes and pain, as you've wandered, aimed incorrectly, at a constantly moving target of someone else's desires. Something you only know you want, because  it will bring someone else happiness. 

In conclusion, dont fuck with my chips, as I'm obviously touchy about food. Shame me if you feel the need. I will always feel the need to point out your lack of compassion, for most people. 

Because most people will only help those they know and associate with on a daily basis. They cannot look far enough outside their circle, to even try and make a single connection, or help someone they know in their hearts to be worthy and deserving. 

Curtail the mischief with celebration

Where’s the party, in this hellscape? 

Take a minute to remind yourself that you can remove yourself at Any moment. Nobody rules you. 

You are your own person. You set your own limits and allow people to trample them. 

I’m proof positive of backfired good intention, and loyalty. 

All my life, I’ve been conditioned to help others, and take their feelings into account, before mine. Every. Single. Time. 

No matter the situation, or reasoning; good, bad, hostile, peaceful, physical, mental, and/or emotional. 

And to be Grateful to do it for them, with zero thanks, obviously. 

My childhood was a mix of torture, and pure wonder. 

I’m glad I have #enough good memories, to be #enough of an optimist for myself, if not for anyone else. 

I read an article recently, about adults, after childhood trauma. Here is the link, if you’d like to read. 

https://themighty.com/2018/05/repressed-memories-childhood-trauma-adult/

I find it very interesting that so many people read these articles, and yet never apply the knowledge. They simply aren’t expected to, without instruction on ‘how to help someone,’ or a #howto #dummyguide of some sort. It’s unbelievably frustrating. Why else do they read these articles, it makes me wonder? 

At 26 years old, I had a roommate who was inappropriately  jealous every time I would go hang out with my boyfriend, or friends, and didn’t include her, or just stay home with her. It was exhausting, and I had tried everything to include her, and to make new friends for her also. She took joy in ruining friendships with people I knew. She would wreck friendships on purpose, and leave me hanging, while expecting me to comfort her. This was a woman that my sister invited to move in with me, without discussing it with me, before my mother even moved out of my apartment. 

So, I know clingy, and crazy, very well. I know what overreacting truly looks like. 

It’s tiring to be someone’s ‘equal & one and only,’ at will, conditionally. Especially when they set the rules, and make excuses for their breaking said rules. 

And then be shamed, for pointing out the inequality, double standards, hypocrisy, and any difference...ever. 

You become a person that you no longer recognize. You become the echo of every emotion, every person, every struggle, you’ve ever encountered; thus bringing on a lot of potential pain, harm, tears, irrationality, outbursts, spin-outs, and mumbled nonsense. It’s sad, and it’s real, in more than just one way. 

How do we avoid getting to this point, in any relationship? 

Respond in awe & wonder of the event, and proceed from there, and try to process the feelings, as they come. 

Start to realize which actions come first, which words, and which voice tone. Consider to whom you’re speaking, or making contact. Truly gauge your crowd, and see your actual role, in that group. 

What special skill makes you best choice, for a desired task? Offer any services in that area, and don’t overextend yourself, if you truly want to be included. 

If you cannot be of immediate assistance, but want to assist, kindly ask someone if they need help, with their task, so it can be accomplished more quickly. Do your best to work with someone with which you have something in common, or move to another group, to volunteer. 

If you have zero to offer, but negativity; such as thought, vibes, words, unsupportive behavior, belligerent verbiage, hostile actions, or unkind contact...walk away, before you get yourself into a position you’ll play victim, to escape. 

What were you doing here, anyway? What was your intention? 

For someone who is used to managing people, and situations; I am always considering who can be helped most, by whom. Knowing emotions, as people, has helped me tremendously. 

Having my ‘friends’ tell me that I should cut my losses, is unacceptable, to say the least. 

It means that they aren’t true friends. They’re friends of a certain group, outside this current situation. Maybe right now they can’t remove their blinders, enough to see the whole picture, from any other viewpoint. 

It’s hard to say, but inexcusable for them to say, “it’s because I care,” or “why are you helping This person?” Would they Not approve of me doing the same exact thing for them, as I have before? Have they Not already asked me to help This person, in the past, already? 

No matter what the situation, or who the person; set your limitations, and see where they go! They’ll show themselves. 

Try and show wonder, instead of stirring mischief. It’s not easy! I wind myself up easily, and will ramble until I wear myself out. 

The Beast You Know & Love

It’s been a long year, of #WarriorMode2019. I’m not done yet. 

My marriage still isn’t safe. Being without his ring, must be making him more upset. I don’t like wearing it at all, mostly bc I am always at risk of losing the ring. 

This works for me, bc it reminds me of how easily our marriage could end, if I allowed anything to happen to the ring he gave back to me, just weeks ago. 

Last evening was interesting. 

As we face more difficulties with the extended family, since our son turning 18, I’m very unsettled with still being ‘out of the loop,’ about his life. And my husband thinks that encouraging him to spend time with me, isn’t the way to make a Mother-child bond, or something equally odd. Every father-fiber inside him, is seeming to say, “this woman is like the last one, and she’ll hurt you and your son!” 

And this has been allowed for too long. 

So how am I to help my son achieve the goals he has, when everyone else just wants to keep doing everything for him, including building excuses for all his actions? 

My son is smart beyond measure, but has never had to do anything on his own, and it scares him. I didn’t realize how bad it was, until yesterday. 

He didn’t pick up the paperwork from the school office, for the school transcripts and such, and also for college financial paperwork (FAFSA). He told me that he didn’t know who to see or what to say when he got there. The office emailed students and parents about this stuff, over a month ago, and have offered two meetings at school with advisors since then, already. 

Apparently NOT knowing how to do something, is a common barrier in this household, bc people would rather depend on someone else to do it, rather than attempt to do it themselves. Codependence isn’t always healthy. He’s getting the “go have fun” vibes and morals, and none of the “wash your hands & be helpful” vibes and ethics 

It blew up slightly, after our son went on to church last evening. 

Sonny: I can’t take the constant criticism. 

Me: I can’t take the lack of follow-through, and progress, due to broken promises...or you ‘forgot,’ bc I’m the one with an actual brain/mental issue, and I’m having to remind everyone of everything. 

Sonny: I don’t know how to help you! 

Me: so my telling you exactly what I need, and you Not doing it, is My fault? 

Sonny: I’m trying! I’m trying to help you, but you keep saying no, when I ask you about it. I remember trying to help you get motivated for a shower, bc you wanted to go somewhere 

Me: how recently? 

Sonny: you wanted to go somewhere with friends (this doesn’t happen often ~2-4x a month lately)

Me: Did you offer to help me shower last Friday, when I need one before my cardiologist appointment? 

Sonny: well, no I didn’t ask you then 

Me: so you didn’t help or offer. 

He told me again tonight to leave, so I took a beat, and asked him for a hug. 

He held me very close, almost too close, but I heard his heart pounding out of his ribs. I heard the pain. I asked him to let go of my head, so I could move it. I readjusted into our hug, and stared out into space, again. 

Then, I started to realize that he has never wanted me to leave, even if it is better for the both of us. I was standing, numb, in his embrace; wondering, ‘Can I feel happiness again, or pain? Or have they truly broken me?’ 

I try and wiggle my arms free, but he mistakes it and holds me closer in the hug. I ask kindly to have my arms back. 

I gently smoothed the lines on his face, with my numbed fingers, and reminded him that I love the beast inside of him also. 

Because of my past, I’m conditioned to be attracted to the anger inside of him. 

Check your circle, and see what they say to you about your significant other. Are you listening to them, or the words of your significant other; or both, and weighing their separate viewpoints. 

It’s very easy to be swayed during rough patches. Someone will try and step in, and take over, while saying they are being Your friend. They will hurt you, tell your secrets, and then lash out at you; forcing your significant other t defend this ‘friend!’ Is this just or fair? No, but trying to show your SO what you know is true, will make them more angry with you. 

Are you listening to your vows and promises that you made to your significant other, or the whispers telling you how bad this person is for you? 

My sexual being

In my 20’s, I had been told that a close friend lost his virginity before marriage. It didn’t shock me, bc it was his body/choice; and between himself and God. It was told to me, bc the family was shocked. They didn’t know how to deal with it. And humor is the way to handle it, obviously! 

I wasn’t shocked to hear the family say that they had always figured I would be the one to take his virginity, if anyone. 

It was a source of pride in self-restraint, and my respect for this friend & his choices. We had dated, in this past, and only kissed. Because I have soulful relationships before physical ones. 

On the flip side, I’ve had a male fried sleep next to me in bed, while dating someone, and threatened to cut off his parts if he touched me, and he respected my choices/body. 

In this life, we’re made to explain ourselves, even to those who should understand us the best. 

Chapter 5: Entering my 40’s with less understanding of ‘normal’

No surprise to see I had to escape reality yesterday. I took my two guys hostage, for #FamilyDateNight (my son hates when I call it this), to see ‘The Joker!’ It seemed appropriate, after the decade I’ve been through. 

#PerfectTiming #SilverLinings #MyTwoGuys

Sonny was able to keep his day off work, and we got to both of my appointments, early! Despite many much #2DaysPastNever #FunFuckery going on! Gotta love Thursday’s! 

We get to the cardiologist 45-50 minutes early, and I’m ecstatic! I have time to ensure I’ve completed all the paperwork! 

No, Amanda! You’ve gone to the wrong location, and need to head straight into rush hour, to get there on time. 

Can we do this? Yes, We Can! 

And arrived early, too! God I love weird adrenaline rushes. 

🚨 My fears are odd, and valid, based on my worn tread. The twisted & unhealthy coping mechanisms mayBe slightly varied in this model! 🚨 

Cardiologist: scheduled echocardiogram, nuclear stress test, and halter monitor ❤️ recheck in December. 

Cardiologist said I do have EDS, and said to see a rheumatologist for diagnosis, and he will check my heart for the irregularities that are common. *all simply bc I grabbed and pulled the skin on my arm, exclaiming that I had zero idea until this year, that it wasn’t normal. 

The nurse there helped me find a loophole, in order to medicate for pain safely, without breaking the rules of the nuclear test; since my insurance is quick to deny claims, and medical cannabis is usually a concern with any of my physicians. It’s definitely listed as a prescription for my pain management (and then some!) 

So, the cardiologist’s Urbana, Md office, is about 3 minutes from my favorite dispensary! 

Guess who grabbed meds & munchies before heading to the Duck Doctor!? 

This bitch, right here! 💚

Pelvic Pain Specialist: 1st prescription: 20min walk outside at least 3x a week. Recheck in a month. And the ever popular Pelvic Floor PT. We discussed the muscle tightness, especially on the right side, and how a hysterectomy may not help someone with the level of pelvic floor dysfunction that I have. 

Also, I definitely have something systemic. The problem will be, with which type of EDS I actually am diagnosed. Because the type determines my chance for helpful treatment. EDS is hard to diagnose, and harder to treat, even with specialists who understand it. Because it’s so complex, and bc I have so much trauma in my past, it’s just going to be a harder recovery than I was expecting. That’s not to say that I’m displeased with my Thursday. I’m relieved to be back with compassionate doctors. 

I may be able to avoid a kitchen renovation, guys! I’ve never had an issue with starting PT! I’ve simply had an issue with going with zero diagnosis reason at all. 

We discussed head injuries, and the lack of treatment or pursuit of answers, post-concussion. 

Thank God I’ll be seeing another new neurologist soon! Concussions are a major concern for me. I hit my head a lot, and have been knocked out cold, a lot, in my life! 

*One injury caused me to want to go to school for a math test the next day. Neck collar, 2 days rest, and back to school I went. Wooden A-frame ladder to the head, in school, on the stage during drama class. Thanks again, BHS! 

With each fall, hit to the head, I became more frantic, and the drs seem to care less about my brain, and more about the fear and ignorance of my #BiPolar 

#MentalHealthMatters 

#BrainInjury or #BiPolar or #BOTH? 

Also, I’ve started requesting that my specialists keep my MMCC ID on file. At this point, I will NOT be seeing many drs who aren’t cannabis friendly! So I want to be sure they are aware of how serious I am about my medication. 

I am proud of how far I’ve come with the help of medical cannabis. I truly am!! It’s helping me in more ways than I ever thought possible! 

The #Stigma exists for a reason. 

#BeTheChange

💚🤓🏍🧚‍♂️

Friendship Fuckery

This. One. Post. Caused me so much pain yesterday, when I was having an amazing day, and I just need to vent. A lot. How can things get so out of out if control, and why do I have to answer immediately; when I feel/relate/convey more emotions, at a much broader range, than most people? 

People can jump to conclusions, and rip me up; and send in a referee (mediator) to clean up the mess; but I defend myself, and I’m an asshole who’s making people crazy? 

WTF indeed. 

I’m just hurt, and for good reason. I’ll get through it; bc friends, real friends, are checking in...

People who expect absolutely zero from me, but a check-in and good back-and-forth conversation; no matter how tired or stressed they are. 

Thank you; to these amazing friends! They are #diamonds in my life 

Then you offer to set my mania straight, and lure me with falsities of security in your #lovingkindness and friendship. 

Looks like: 

Oh hey, checking in on you. I miss you

I’m sorry all is a mess. What’s going on? 

Oh Idk what this is about. Sorry. 

Let’s do xyz soon. I miss you. 

Hours later...I see an event‼️ this person is doing, around said ‘xyz’ #lure

Inclusion is fine. I love #inclusion. I don’t REQUIRE inclusion. I REQUIRE #respect and #consideration, for what I AM going through, and NOT what I can do for you. 

No, I’m not fine! Glad you are! Seriously!! I am so happy that you are happy! But, please...just don’t fuck with my emotions right now. 

If you think a suicidal friend can make you suicidal; check in on that friend, or send someone else....

Quit FUCKING WITH PEOPLE’S EMOTIONS! 

I wish you could see. I’m sorry you can’t. Please open your beautiful eyes. I know you can’t help it. But you look to my words often, and find solace for a reason. 

#iNeedSolace too. #Peace is not plentiful in my life, so please stop offering me anxiety & stress. 

In crowds, I feel expected to ‘perform,’ and be happy. I’m actually hassled for being quiet (or loud)

If you think it’s easy being me, please pay for the mental healthcare I need, so I’m actually better. 

Your friendship would be amazing, if it met my needs at the moment. I’m sorry it can’t be. 

I need my deep soul-ship friends right now; but they’re all going through hell. 

Probably because of other assholes, or situations, wrecking their lives. And no, it’s NOT fair. Nobody should expect it to be. 

#DontKickADownedWarrior, but watch also how you lift them! Especially if they have TBI’s! They’re more vulnerable than you think. Brain injuries cause their one special he’ll! And I’ve endured a lot of major concussions in my life. 

On that note, don’t send in a referee guys. Don’t send your spouse or friends or anyone...if you don’t have the fucking balls to say something to me, yourself. I don’t need to be man-sprained to, when I did NOTHING wrong. This is why I’m glad my husband won’t go after people. Because I’m not the encouraging type, but he’d defend me if I needed it. I know he would. I’ve had ex’s let me get in fiat fights with men, to defend MYSELF

If you think you can’t handle me, and you send a MAN; I will fucking level him too! That’s how it works! 

I’m an honest person, who is bluntly myself...consistently. 

#HugYou for assuming otherwise, and not thinking my love for you was real; and showing me your true pain, in lashing out at me. I’m not the one you’re mad at, truly. Neither is the one that I refuse to bash. Get over it by yourself, with YOUR friends, who sympathize completely. I cannot relate to you on that level of hate. I just CANNOT. It’s on the level of #racism and #sexism for me. I just HATE #hate, and then I’m bashed for answering with facts; bc I’m the person “who creates safe spaces and doesn’t bash people.” And then people constantly suggest I take a break from FB 

No! I’m an advocate. I show all my pain, as much as I want...on MY wall. 

My point of view is NOT skewed, I promise you! I know my role in this, and with help while emotional, I can see if I’ve hurt you. I see every single move I’ve made on my end, and every move from yours near me. I’m observant AF! 

Yes, I do know you’re going through hell. I set a limit, you said you understood, and that it’s okay! Now you’re sending your husband to MY wall?? I’ve never even met him 

*To more than just one person:

Don’t come to me with falsities, to promote yourself, as a friend, while inviting me to something ‘seemingly fun,’ and don’t even tell me you have plans. 

Oh you’re selling tickets‼️

Bet you’ll decide to offer me a free one. 

I bet you think I’ll invite MY friends. 

When people who care offer things, I automatically know who is there, and what to expect...WHEN IT IS OFFERED. NO behind the back slick shit. 

This is what it’s like to be me....EVERY DAY‼️

BC IM NICE AND GIVE A FUCK....ABOUT ANYTHING AND ANYONE‼️‼️EVEN JUST A LITTLE

IM NOT ACCEPTING YOUR PAIN RIGHT NOW‼️

I’ve been screaming this publicly for quite a while now. 

I’ve had FRIENDS who I barely talk to, reach out to make sure I’m alright‼️

People have had me so torn up, that I’ve literally bitten one of my best friend’s hands (Love you, sis); but bc we’re fucking adults:

1) her children never knew anything happened

2) my son (much older) knew barely anything

3) I tried my best to not bitch much about her, through my pain and healing

4) when I calmed down enough, I reached back out to her; with true guilt and shame, knowing I’d be met with a gentle embrace. 

5) I’m there for her, and she’s here for me; as we both face hell, together, again‼️

#Friendship #Sisterhood #MySis 💖

Just pick up your own pieces, and go away. I am NOT on YOUR wall, makinga mess. You’re in MY “LOVE POST,” having fun being a twat-enema! 

Glad to have been blocked by one person! 

Have a peaceful Tuesday, fuckers! You’ve earned it! 

Straddling Blurred Lines by A.May

Straddling Blurred Lines

by A. May 4.Sept'17...more #BluntSpeak for you

Amongst Faith, Family, Health, & Sanity

She Became Her Own Hero 

She loves her God, but isn't in church

She endures most all the pains & the hurt

She sees emotional, physical, and mental decline

She breaks off a chunk of herself to put aside

She sings her own sweet & hopeful song

She dreams of a life with no pain at all

She loves her husband with all of her soul

She wants to be so much more a wife to him

She gives her son the priority, love, guidance

She also has to set rules, consequences, & enforce

She bulldozes her way through batshit crazy

She creates a life inside her illness boundaries

She lives at the sidelines of her life for so long 

She wonders how shit had not gone wrong

She soon finds out that her mind had tricked her

She was victim again, and not yet the victor

She gasps for a breath, and reaches up high

She climbs from the depths, and into the night

She rests her bone-deep weary body & mind

She awakes to fight again for her family, her life, their future

She unleashes all the fury inside to the fight...to make sure both she & her little family grows stronger with time. 

Go East, young one! *Im trying*

I grew up in the boondocks, with minimal care. It’s true, I need to migrate east. Nature over nurture was my life! There wasn’t much pure love in my family. Everything was conditional. I literally clung to those who loved me, and forced myself on those with hate in their hearts, bc ‘it was the right thing to do.’ I welcomed any escape that was provided, bc my mother kept me from fun activities. I didn’t even have a birthday party with friends, until I was 16! And because it snowed, I wasn’t allowed to reschedule. There was a blizzard! Always is when someone actually offers me something I’ve wanted. But especially, at the beginning of February. It’s why I can always know to expect a disaster around my birthday. My mother made us share birthdays, on each of our birthdays. It made us each selfish in different ways. Me? I lived in hand-me downs. And had barely any toys, bc my mother thought I should play with barbies. My fix? Ripping off the heads, and flushing said heads! My sister’s solutions, to that? Putting my GI Joes and Ewoks, in the oven. And I was banned from the kitchen. 

The offers of escape though? They were so amazing! And I wish they were more frequent, or longer. Because I knew (and the loving people around me knew), that it was toxic to stay around selfish people. I was raised by a narcissistic mother  (she was made that way by her family), and the lies and intentionally sneaky pain that a narcissist can inflict, is just disgusting. Pitting siblings against each other; and allowing them to emotionally & physically damage each other, while going off drinking to numb her pain (or whatever addiction she chooses.) And making us “kiss & make up,” when they instigated it all; by not doing anything to help...from the beginning. My addictions come from not having the correct people in my life. They literally are the disgustingly twisted coping mechanisms I grew up with! Cussing to voice my hurt more appropriately, for me; popping off at people who hurt others, for self-gain; giving someone enough rope, and seeing if they’ll hang themselves publicly with it; being inappropriate to lighten the mood of the crowd; etc...

Why, you may ask? I’m showing their true intent, while showing all the pain they’ve caused me, without them ever admitting to it. It’s the best defensive move, that a broken bird can make. 

And I’m facing constant conditional love throughout my life, because I’m a loving person, and getting bitten by people who want help...just not mine. There’s a reason they won’t come directly to me. There’s a reason everyone wants me to help them. They need it. They need the love as much as I do. They don’t know that I see all their pain, and want to make it go away. I share a lot of feelings with people, bc I’ve experienced so much pain myself. “Just treat me like an equal human being, at this point!” If nothing else, how about YOU stop hurting me? 

‘Go West, young man,’ gets me so much. We went to California chasing gold, not peace. It’s why we left our ‘Motherland,’ correct? We all needed and wanted something better, something ‘more.’

That feeling of being ill, helpless, and feeling like nobody is there? That’s what you feel? I’ve been there for awhile...right next to you, as you looked the other way, into a mirror; worried about your needs. 

But, it’s still my fault? My fault that I have a wider range of emotions, feel more than just joy, love, anger, and jealousy? Good grief; please stop whining! 

I am not jealous of people. I’m jealous of time. 

You expect of me, while not giving me much; and make me cry, but I’m supposed to be the bigger person. But when you cry, I’m abandoned. Just as when you made me cry. 

You’ve stolen away what you promised. You've lied to yourself, and me, at every turn. You’ve bottled me up in my own self, and you’ve slowly let my soul die. 

Now you want me to leave you alone? When weeks ago, you wanted to know why I wasn’t talking to you, and I told you I needed time. It’s not hard to say, “I don’t like you, or prefer you,” but you don’t have the Balls to say it. But, it’s my fault that I do have those balls? Shut up! I’m supposed to bend to your limitations, in the name of ‘compromise,’ but all you do is load me up with more of your pain? Forcing me to feel obliged to do things that stress out my entire body & mind? No! No more! Accept the fact that you are being too greedy, and I’m being starved of love and care. 

You! You did that! And it’s my fault? 

You approved of our marriage, but undermined it at every chance, and even created disturbances that shouldn’t have existed. And, it’s my fault? 

You knew I came from a broken home, and needed love; and you said I had to learn to get over things. And that’s my fault? You sound so familiar, bc I’ve heard your soul’s voice before. In every single self-centered person who only cares for themselves and those immediately around them. 

If you look at people and their lives, and look past the bullshit; you see where their loyalty lies, who they spend their time with, mostly. 

Don’t you see me here alone? Do you come see me? But, you sure like to make me miserable, everytime I walk by! You can’t resist just asking of me, without even offering a pleasantry. 

That becomes triggering to sensitive people. We want to grow close, and you push us away. Some of us (ME) try to form boundaries, to respect limitations, and ask permission in the beginning. After being told yes, we’re told we’ve done something extremely wrong. 

We’re told we overran a project; when all we did was go ahead with plans that were agreed upon. And that’s my fault? How? How can agreed upon plans that go sideways from your point of view, be MY FAULT?? 

Dear Lord, these people are exhausting to deal with! 

If you’re looking over your shoulder, you’re cautious. 

If you’re looking to the future, you’re wise. 

If you’re not looking at both, while scanning peripheral; you’re more stupid than you realize. Who the hell taught you to NOT consider everyone around you? If you aren’t paying attention to faces, and merely chasing a butterfly; you truly are only looking out for yourself. 

I’m not sorry, if that hurts your feelings. You’ve hurt mine enough. 

No matter your personality; I can see motive deep inside of you, even if you aren’t aware of it. I’ve lived around assholes long enough. 

Stay thirsty, guys! #BeTheChange 

Just acknowledge any of the hurt you’ve caused. 

Any. At. All. 

And we can talk about how to deal, and heal, together. 

💚🤓🏍🧚‍♂️

Just Be There

Wanting to simply be there to help others, is suspicious; at best. 

Count the times I’ve Not been there, with good excuses; and balance against the times I was there, despite the worst. 

I’ve given of myself with promises of repayment of one thing or another. I’ve learned to never give anything that I wasn’t willing to live without. 

No matter how close the friend; they can hurt you. Simply by the shame of not being able to fulfill said promise; that was never asked for. 

They shouldn’t need my permission to help me. But they feel inadequate to help; because they know they’ve let me down recently, in one way or another. 

I’m Not the person that weighs those things minutely. The small things add up. If you can consistently show up, with voluntarily ‘debt’ to someone, that they didn’t request; please Do NOT hurt them more by being embarrassed over a spur of the moment promise (if you still do intend to keep it). 

If you plan to keep not repaying that ‘debt’ to a friend, whether it’s $10 or a replacement hoodie; if you cared at all, still be there. They were there for you when you needed it. 

Shame shouldn’t stop the healing process so badly. We’re meant to be social creatures; and learn from each other, to the atom. 

It’s much easier to make assumptions, when we’re not willing to understand or accept someone else’s reality. 

It’s also easier to make excuses, when we don’t allow ourselves; the chance to learn to see, the differences in another’s past. 

It’s one thing to have shallow feelings, like jealousy, over an ex, but what about; fear to protect pain from that person, dealing with people seeing their behavior & allowing exposure to its toxicity, 

The Safety Net of Butterfly Catcher’s’

I can trip over air in the deepest depression. 

Currently stuck in this cloud! It’s okay though, guys! I saw the lighthouse from here! 

I have friends who have muted my ass on social media, just to keep their emotions safe, from me; but also to stay there for me. Consistently! 

These are the people who have embraced the tsunami as it progressed towards land, folks! These fine people are who made me, me! 

Every single person we meet in this life, has an impact on our journey to the beyond. 

Every: scent, taste, sight, sound, face we see, voice we hear, every. single. little or big. touch of the skin or hair; that can ignite our soul, or burn our village to the ground. 

A whisper can kill, if the right words are said; at the right time. 

I’ve seen what those whispers can do to people. Suicide. It causes suicide. If someone is on a ledge, and you push them; it’s murder. If they’re on the ledge, running from you; and you whisper, “Jump, or I’ll get you anyway!,” then you deserve the biggest, hug in the world for being so fucking ugly. 

These are years and years, decades upon decades of many, varied obstacles (big, or small) that we find in our path. 

I’m embracing this struggle, hard AF as it is right now; and I feel so blessed to have endured so much pain to have such a spectacular mid-life crisis. Be envious. It’s okay! 

Rolling along beautifully in life; until...

Evolution of self in one amazingly horrific decade of hurt; leading to the point that could have killed me. 

You’re rolling along beautifully in life, and then a mosquito bites you! On your back! 

As you reach to smack it, you pull your arm pit muscle. 

You reach with the other hand, to rub your muscle, you let out a sigh of pain. 

You’re attacked from the woods, when your sound reached the nearby wolf pack; out hunting. 

Before you know it; you’re running scared, your heart is pounding in fear, and you have to pee. 

That last thought gave your brain enough time to not see the stream running through the woods. 

Writing out a potentially painful, potentially life ending situation that I self fixed in under 19 minutes, with just my husband; and my amazing dog, Roxie! 

*Dont worry, bitches! I got this shit on lock down and I’m rolling through the waves breathing. 

Rolling through life, feel good about myself for a change! 🥰

Waiting on the ob/gyn to call to discuss results of full hormone panel, full thyroid panel, and to discuss scheduling surgery (bc the hospital is my PTSD hell). 😬

Getting over crisis of self: through hard, painfully excruciating, vulnerability to reflect change

Change of myself; to fix others and me in any beautiful & extremely safe way I can (adjusted to each person’s need - this is why I shoot my rainbows where my soul feels they’re needed. 

Look through the posts and see how many people 

Update: 5.October 2019

So, I’ve slowly released some posts, and have zero bad feelings about low/no views. Because I understand that I’m not interesting to many people. 

But this post...

This post was the night of my call to 91-, and is a post that clarified many things for me. 

I was running around the house like a mad woman! I was inside/outside back and forth in seconds it felt like. I felt like I was zooming everywhere, but everyone else was standing still. It was seriously slow motion, and complete tunnel vision. 

I remember me and some of my interactions that night. 

I remember:not knowing where anyone was at the moment I called 911; feeling uncertain about what reactions I could expect from any/everyone about this situation, or how aware they were of the circumstances. I wanted it to be quiet here while it was happening. I didn’t want my son or neighbors to worry about their safety, while I figured things out safely. 

And I’ll open up more, as time goes on. I’m willing to be the work in progress, but I need people to stop breaking my brain first. 

#Psychological trauma is tough. Nobody should have to face it alone. 

Consistency of Self

Stay yourself as frequently as possible, for bigger impact. 

Brace yourself for that beautiful destructive explosion when everyone thinks you’re wrong. Embrace your #Truth wholly!

When it ends, if you haven’t been drowned by those wicked undercurrents; you will be afforded the opportunity to remain yourself...if you choose. 

Embrace that pain, #GreenGoddess, and soar into sweet #ElevationOfSelf that transcends this life in so many magikal ways! 

I cannot stress enough to stay authentic, and know your #worth, your #pain, your #strengths, your #weaknesses, your #limitations, your #joys, your #fears, your #hopes, your #goals, and any zany thought in between that you would like to acknowledge. 

I’ve seen way too many people being washed up upon the shore, bc they reached out to a perceived ‘rescue boat,’ that was filled with frats guys fucking with nature - once again! 

Don’t be ‘that guy!’ 

Don’t sacrifice another’s pain for your own growth! I cannot tell you what to look out for in your path in life! But I can help you work on figuring those out during a sesh! Medical Cannabis is a way for us to get past these barriers that separate us! I’m brave enough to show my ignorance and grow! Don’t appreciate it? That’s okay! I’m going to do what I need to to #ElevateMyself, and rise from my Own disasters. Be jealous, it’s beautiful! 

Take time to acknowledge that the Universe has truly sighed a breath of #ReLeaf and renewal; advocate and new patient alike in our community! 

Take it in! Reflect on things that have gone wrong; and reach out to those you trust wholly to help you grow

Watch how you expose your neck online though! Bitches will cut a muthafucker, just to enjoy splashing in the #BloodPuddles 

Stay yourselves out there, ladies!  

#AdorkableHarleyFairy

Daddy’s Shadow

*If only I had my voice and more musical training. This is why creative minds collaborate* 

**rough draft, unfinished, not edited; all the warnings go on this post, y’all! 

Imagine a young girl, her daddy’s shadow; holding his hand, as he protects her from all that which a father is sworn to do by accepting you as their child fully. 

I imagine this in an upbeat piano style tune, by an empowered female with wicked pipes; if that helps to unravel my mind for you. If not; enjoy the read! 

Daddy can you hear me? 

I’ll shout it, if I can

I can feel your love so clearly

So deeply does it run 

In this fluid life; of choosing: live or die

Who am I to try? 

Oh, Who. Am. I. To. Try?

Oh, woah oh, oh! 

Daddy! Can you hear me?

I’ll shout it if I caaaaaannnnnnn 

I’m feeling kinda broken 

Come heal me, if you can! 

Daddy! Can you hear me?

I’ll shout it...if. i. can. 

You’ve always been my hero

You always were my friend

I’ve been so lost without you

Here with my, by my side

Oh I reach out, to You in this dark

To guide my soul there 

I’m a light, when they’re reaching for me

Please, help me keep paying for electricity

Digging deep into memories so lost

Past the ones that are too painful to exist 

Shine your light!

Guide me there to the answers

Hold me tight, as we creep by the stairs!

Daddy! Can you hear me?

I’ll shout it if I caaaaaannnnnnn 

I’m feeling kinda broken 

Come heal me, if you can! 

Daddy! Can you hear me?

I’ll shout it if I can  

The whispers are surrounding

The eyes are all a glare 

They’re looking for an action

They want me to to drag an answer to there

I’m stuck, on a root, in my head

Tripping, blinded by the shock

That I didn’t even look

To the pains, and remains

All around us here 

The Rise of the Persephone

We know Mythology, correct?

Persephone to me embodies Women; through: change or transitions, the light & dark of life, the differences in a BiPolar brain, and so much more. 

The ‘Goddess’ being womanhood, and empowerment of such; a privilege; amongst weakness. It means true enlightenment of self, self-awareness, and fighting for what you believe to be right and just. 

Knowing your inner/outer strengths & limitations, and seeking the core answers in life; will release you from what’s holding you back...from being a true Goddess. 

Persephone spent half her year ruling, as the Queen of the Underworld, and the other during planting & harvest. 

While her worlds shifted often, she eventually found herself comfortable enough in both situations, to know that the inevitability of the transition was the painful part. 

During the Springtime, she got a chance to sow seeds of happiness (flowers), seeds of protection (trees), seeds of nourishment (grains and vegetables), and seeds of hope as well. 

During the Summertime, she got to frolick through the fields of flowers and tend to her beautiful gardens and forests. She would enjoy time with her friends, cater & host elaborate parties, create beauty where there wasn’t, and enstill a calm that was needed after she had been away; and Autumn & Winter showed their faces. 

In late Summertime, she would get everyone ready for the harvest, and her return to the Underworld...where responsibilities, and another life, awaited her. Persephone knew she was preparing for more than just harvest. It would mean retreating to a life with which she was more than comfortable...finally. 

She has come to expect the anxiety over leaving friends, to join other friends, and knows she’ll have to do that over, and over again; forever. 

Persephone had many, great adversities; despite her privilege of being a Goddess. And it’s so easy to get stuck on the negatives in extreme situations. 

Your path as a Goddess isn’t always about what obstacles are placed in your path. It is simply how you deal with the situation you are currently. It means acknowledging fully, your current situation. Who do you know who has been here? Another Goddess, perhaps? Do you need a Goddess, or someone there; and if so, who? Do you know how trustworthy the people in your inner circle are? Can any of them help you with this situation? Do you know their strengths and weaknesses? Do you have any news from Hermès, or any small puzzle piece that clicks? Is one of your Goddesses willing to go to war with you to resolve this situation? 

How a Goddess prepares to fight back, reflects highly upon her security within herself, and her true intentions will be noticeable. Her inner Warrior will reveal itself when it’s ready. A sigh of relief will come from her lungs. Because she isn’t alone. Persephone faces many adversities in her life, but she had her family around her throughout it all. She knew she had people who were not out to harm her, but to be there to lift her up, and reignite her passions, and awaken her soul again. To renew her purpose after she has been allowed her time to feel all the emotions over any situation. Yes, even a Goddess has feelings. 

How we react to adversity in life, shows our true selves. The way we chose to advance ourselves, reveals the ways we are comfortable acting. Who we stand next to, reveals as much about ourselves, as anything else. 

#Family #Tribe

I choose this me, for right now

All my life, I’ve had to conform to others’ expectations of me. I had to consider myself last. It’s not easy on a chemically imbalanced brain to be forced to consistently conform to everyone’s definition of ‘normal.’ And then making minute adjustments for a lifetime, to please everyone else. With my unique brain chemistry, I have the potential to be anyway I choose.

I am NOT accepting requests for changes to myself at this moment! Please hang up and dial again later! 

Don’t expect me to be anything other than who I am. I Need this time right now to discover all the beautiful connections and interactions in life, and spread laughter, love, and encouragement. I feel drawn to be exactly who I am at this moment. 

I don’t have the energy to be anyone but who I am right now. I’m fighting too many battles at once, while trying to inspire and encourage a lot of people...including myself. I could absolutely be whatever I wanted to ‘allow my chemistry to shape me to be.’ But, I’d have to give up a lot of my ethics/morals to do that. At my core, I am a contradictory personality; but I’m mostly a loving and caring human. 

I’m allowing my brain the time it was never given to heal from so many traumas over my lifetime. My inner bitch is justified in its existence, and she mostly plays well with others. So, no harm, no foul? At least I already know I’m an awkward individual and I’m brave enough to ask the bold questions to start people talking.