See what switching your addiction, to reflection, could do for you! Introspection is a muthafucker, for reasons, because goats 🦙 #BluntSpeak
Monday, November 25, 2019
See what switching your addiction, to reflection, could do for you! Introspection is a muthafucker, for reasons, because goats 🦙 #BluntSpeak
Saturday, November 16, 2019
#HormoneMonster: tales of teenage sibling hate during PMS
I'm home alone, for the first time in forever, and there are actually still some potato chips in the bag! I never get to just enjoy chips, or any snack. Because I'm the family's trash compactor, of all foods that my siblings will not eat.
I'm enjoying the salt, and crunch; and in walks my sister, already eyeing up the chips, and making her move to take the bag away.
I immediately go to the defensive, saying, "no," and push her away. "This is MY fucking bag of chips, bitch!"
I had worked too hard to keep calm through food wars with siblings over the years, for a fucking chip battle today. I thought, 'are these chips worth this fight that I'm about to have?,' and decided that yes, indeed, they are worth every second of the upcoming fight. I'd been fighting cravings and emotions, and crazy fights kept popping up, because my sisters loved to talk smack. So yes, she deserved a taste of the pain I get, while defending her mouth with my face.
She thinks she's funny, and tries again. Ot doesn't help her cause, at all. I know her moves. I grew up studying my sisters, because they would gang up on me, when they were chubby and I didn't yet have strong enough muscles to fight them both off of me, alone; and without getting caught hurting them. No matter that they were the ones who came after me.
I grab her by her hair, and ram her face into my kneecap, and as she screams loudly, her boyfriend walks in. I slam her head once more, pushing her into the barstools and bar. I'm no stranger to fights and have fought dudes, but I know her boyfriend wouldn't hit me. And I acknowledge it to myself, that Im trusting a man to choose NOT to strike me, and trusting his morals and ethics. So when he tried to help my sister, I mistake his move, but dont want to hurt him. I literally reach into my underwear, yank out my bloody pad, and put it on his shirt, using the half-useless adhesive that's barely holding anything together. It was beautiful! And glorious! And I was filled with disgusting pride at my successful tout of PMS-rage that I'd absolutely be hearing about for decades to come! Yay! *little celebration*
And they're instantly disgusted, and shocked! Enough time for me to grab the bag of chips, smack my sister, and run to my room with the bag of fucking chips.
But I got MY fucking chips.
Quit making your children compete against one another. And quit shaming the ones you force into servitude, to do your bidding for acceptance or attention. It's disgusting, and pathetic.
And I'm being honest about my shadiest of shady shit here. You think anyone not mentally #afflicted would feel compelled to admit all they've had to do in order to survive. Shaming a victim is horrible, defending the abuser is worse. Let them eat their own mistakes and pain, as you've wandered, aimed incorrectly, at a constantly moving target of someone else's desires. Something you only know you want, because it will bring someone else happiness.
In conclusion, dont fuck with my chips, as I'm obviously touchy about food. Shame me if you feel the need. I will always feel the need to point out your lack of compassion, for most people.
Because most people will only help those they know and associate with on a daily basis. They cannot look far enough outside their circle, to even try and make a single connection, or help someone they know in their hearts to be worthy and deserving.
Friday, October 25, 2019
Thursday, October 24, 2019
It’s been a long year, of #WarriorMode2019. I’m not done yet.
My marriage still isn’t safe. Being without his ring, must be making him more upset. I don’t like wearing it at all, mostly bc I am always at risk of losing the ring.
This works for me, bc it reminds me of how easily our marriage could end, if I allowed anything to happen to the ring he gave back to me, just weeks ago.
Last evening was interesting.
As we face more difficulties with the extended family, since our son turning 18, I’m very unsettled with still being ‘out of the loop,’ about his life. And my husband thinks that encouraging him to spend time with me, isn’t the way to make a Mother-child bond, or something equally odd. Every father-fiber inside him, is seeming to say, “this woman is like the last one, and she’ll hurt you and your son!”
And this has been allowed for too long.
So how am I to help my son achieve the goals he has, when everyone else just wants to keep doing everything for him, including building excuses for all his actions?
My son is smart beyond measure, but has never had to do anything on his own, and it scares him. I didn’t realize how bad it was, until yesterday.
He didn’t pick up the paperwork from the school office, for the school transcripts and such, and also for college financial paperwork (FAFSA). He told me that he didn’t know who to see or what to say when he got there. The office emailed students and parents about this stuff, over a month ago, and have offered two meetings at school with advisors since then, already.
Apparently NOT knowing how to do something, is a common barrier in this household, bc people would rather depend on someone else to do it, rather than attempt to do it themselves. Do-dependence isn’t always healthy. He’s getting the “go have fun” vibes and morals, and none of the “wash your hands & be helpful” vibes and ethics
It blew up slightly, after our son went on to church last evening.
Sonny: I can’t take the constant criticism.
Me: I can’t take the lack of follow-through, and progress, due to broken promises...or you ‘forgot,’ bc I’m the one with an actual brain/mental issue, and I’m having to remind everyone of everything.
Sonny: I don’t know how to help you!
Me: so my telling you exactly what I need, and you Not doing it, is My fault?
Sonny: I’m trying! I’m trying to help you, but you keep saying no, when I ask you about it. I remember trying to help you get motivated for a shower, bc you wanted to go somewhere
Me: how recently?
Sonny: you wanted to go somewhere with friends (this doesn’t happen often ~2-4x a month lately)
Me: Did you offer to help me shower last Friday, when I need one before my cardiologist appointment?
Sonny: well, no I didn’t ask you then
Me: so you didn’t help or offer.
He told me again tonight to leave, so I took a beat, and asked him for a hug.
He held me very close, almost too close, but I heard his heart pounding out of his ribs. I heard the pain. I asked him to let go of my head, so I could move it. I readjusted into our hug, and stared out into space, again.
Then, I started to realize that he has never wanted me to leave, even if it is better for the both of us. I was standing, numb, in his embrace; wondering, ‘Can I feel happiness again, or pain? Or have they truly broken me?’
I try and wiggle my arms free, but he mistakes it and holds me closer in the hug. I ask kindly to have my arms back.
I gently smoothed the lines on his face, with my numbed fingers, and reminded him that I love the beast inside of him also.
Because of my past, I’m conditioned to be attracted to the anger inside of him.
Check your circle, and see what they say to you about your significant other. Are you listening to them, or the words of your significant other; or both, and weighing their separate viewpoints.
It’s very easy to be swayed during rough patches. Someone will try and step in, and take over, while saying they are being Your friend. They will hurt you, tell your secrets, and then lash out at you; forcing your significant other t defend this ‘friend!’ Is this just or fair? No, but trying to show your SO what you know is true, will make them more angry with you.
Are you listening to your vows and promises that you made to your significant other, or the whispers telling you how bad this person is for you?
Monday, October 7, 2019
In my 20’s, I had been told that a close friend lost his virginity before marriage. It didn’t shock me, bc it was his body/choice; and between himself and God. It was told to me, bc the family was shocked. They didn’t know how to deal with it. And humor is the way to handle it, obviously!
I wasn’t shocked to hear the family say that they had always figured I would be the one to take his virginity, if anyone.
It was a source of pride in self-restraint, and my respect for this friend & his choices. We had dated, in this past, and only kissed. Because I have soulful relationships before physical ones.
On the flip side, I’ve had a male fried sleep next to me in bed, while dating someone, and threatened to cut off his parts if he touched me, and he respected my choices/body.
In this life, we’re made to explain ourselves, even to those who should understand us the best.
Friday, October 4, 2019
No surprise to see I had to escape reality yesterday. I took my two guys hostage, for #FamilyDateNight (my son hates when I call it this), to see ‘The Joker!’ It seemed appropriate, after the decade I’ve been through.
#PerfectTiming #SilverLinings #MyTwoGuys
Sonny was able to keep his day off work, and we got to both of my appointments, early! Despite many much #2DaysPastNever #FunFuckery going on! Gotta love Thursday’s!
We get to the cardiologist 45-50 minutes early, and I’m ecstatic! I have time to ensure I’ve completed all the paperwork!
No, Amanda! You’ve gone to the wrong location, and need to head straight into rush hour, to get there on time.
Can we do this? Yes, We Can!
And arrived early, too! God I love weird adrenaline rushes.
🚨 My fears are odd, and valid, based on my worn tread. The twisted & unhealthy coping mechanisms mayBe slightly varied in this model! 🚨
Cardiologist: scheduled echocardiogram, nuclear stress test, and halter monitor ❤️ recheck in December.
Cardiologist said I do have EDS, and said to see a rheumatologist for diagnosis, and he will check my heart for the irregularities that are common. *all simply bc I grabbed and pulled the skin on my arm, exclaiming that I had zero idea until this year, that it wasn’t normal.
The nurse there helped me find a loophole, in order to medicate for pain safely, without breaking the rules of the nuclear test; since my insurance is quick to deny claims, and medical cannabis is usually a concern with any of my physicians. It’s definitely listed as a prescription for my pain management (and then some!)
So, the cardiologist’s Urbana, Md office, is about 3 minutes from my favorite dispensary!
Guess who grabbed meds & munchies before heading to the Duck Doctor!?
This bitch, right here! 💚
Pelvic Pain Specialist: 1st prescription: 20min walk outside at least 3x a week. Recheck in a month. And the ever popular Pelvic Floor PT. We discussed the muscle tightness, especially on the right side, and how a hysterectomy may not help someone with the level of pelvic floor dysfunction that I have.
Also, I definitely have something systemic. The problem will be, with which type of EDS I actually am diagnosed. Because the type determines my chance for helpful treatment. EDS is hard to diagnose, and harder to treat, even with specialists who understand it. Because it’s so complex, and bc I have so much trauma in my past, it’s just going to be a harder recovery than I was expecting. That’s not to say that I’m displeased with my Thursday. I’m relieved to be back with compassionate doctors.
I may be able to avoid a kitchen renovation, guys! I’ve never had an issue with starting PT! I’ve simply had an issue with going with zero diagnosis reason at all.
We discussed head injuries, and the lack of treatment or pursuit of answers, post-concussion.
Thank God I’ll be seeing another new neurologist soon! Concussions are a major concern for me. I hit my head a lot, and have been knocked out cold, a lot, in my life!
*One injury caused me to want to go to school for a math test the next day. Neck collar, 2 days rest, and back to school I went. Wooden A-frame ladder to the head, in school, on the stage during drama class. Thanks again, BHS!
With each fall, hit to the head, I became more frantic, and the drs seem to care less about my brain, and more about the fear and ignorance of my #BiPolar
#BrainInjury or #BiPolar or #BOTH?
Also, I’ve started requesting that my specialists keep my MMCC ID on file. At this point, I will NOT be seeing many drs who aren’t cannabis friendly! So I want to be sure they are aware of how serious I am about my medication.
I am proud of how far I’ve come with the help of medical cannabis. I truly am!! It’s helping me in more ways than I ever thought possible!
The #Stigma exists for a reason.
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
I’m just hurt, and for good reason. I’ll get through it; bc friends, real friends, are checking in...
People who expect absolutely zero from me, but a check-in and good back-and-forth conversation; no matter how tired or stressed they are.
Thank you; to these amazing friends! They are #diamonds in my life
Then you offer to set my mania straight, and lure me with falsities of security in your #lovingkindness and friendship.
Oh hey, checking in on you. I miss you
I’m sorry all is a mess. What’s going on?
Oh Idk what this is about. Sorry.
Let’s do xyz soon. I miss you.
Hours later...I see an event‼️ this person is doing, around said ‘xyz’ #lure
Inclusion is fine. I love #inclusion. I don’t REQUIRE inclusion. I REQUIRE #respect and #consideration, for what I AM going through, and NOT what I can do for you.
No, I’m not fine! Glad you are! Seriously!! I am so happy that you are happy! But, please...just don’t fuck with my emotions right now.
If you think a suicidal friend can make you suicidal; check in on that friend, or send someone else....
Quit FUCKING WITH PEOPLE’S EMOTIONS!
I wish you could see. I’m sorry you can’t. Please open your beautiful eyes. I know you can’t help it. But you look to my words often, and find solace for a reason.
#iNeedSolace too. #Peace is not plentiful in my life, so please stop offering me anxiety & stress.
In crowds, I feel expected to ‘perform,’ and be happy. I’m actually hassled for being quiet (or loud)
If you think it’s easy being me, please pay for the mental healthcare I need, so I’m actually better.
Your friendship would be amazing, if it met my needs at the moment. I’m sorry it can’t be.
I need my deep soul-ship friends right now; but they’re all going through hell.
Probably because of other assholes, or situations, wrecking their lives. And no, it’s NOT fair. Nobody should expect it to be.
#DontKickADownedWarrior, but watch also how you lift them! Especially if they have TBI’s! They’re more vulnerable than you think. Brain injuries cause their one special he’ll! And I’ve endured a lot of major concussions in my life.
On that note, don’t send in a referee guys. Don’t send your spouse or friends or anyone...if you don’t have the fucking balls to say something to me, yourself. I don’t need to be man-sprained to, when I did NOTHING wrong. This is why I’m glad my husband won’t go after people. Because I’m not the encouraging type, but he’d defend me if I needed it. I know he would. I’ve had ex’s let me get in fiat fights with men, to defend MYSELF
If you think you can’t handle me, and you send a MAN; I will fucking level him too! That’s how it works!
I’m an honest person, who is bluntly myself...consistently.
#HugYou for assuming otherwise, and not thinking my love for you was real; and showing me your true pain, in lashing out at me. I’m not the one you’re mad at, truly. Neither is the one that I refuse to bash. Get over it by yourself, with YOUR friends, who sympathize completely. I cannot relate to you on that level of hate. I just CANNOT. It’s on the level of #racism and #sexism for me. I just HATE #hate, and then I’m bashed for answering with facts; bc I’m the person “who creates safe spaces and doesn’t bash people.” And then people constantly suggest I take a break from FB
No! I’m an advocate. I show all my pain, as much as I want...on MY wall.
My point of view is NOT skewed, I promise you! I know my role in this, and with help while emotional, I can see if I’ve hurt you. I see every single move I’ve made on my end, and every move from yours near me. I’m observant AF!
Yes, I do know you’re going through hell. I set a limit, you said you understood, and that it’s okay! Now you’re sending your husband to MY wall?? I’ve never even met him
*To more than just one person:
Don’t come to me with falsities, to promote yourself, as a friend, while inviting me to something ‘seemingly fun,’ and don’t even tell me you have plans.
Oh you’re selling tickets‼️
Bet you’ll decide to offer me a free one.
I bet you think I’ll invite MY friends.
When people who care offer things, I automatically know who is there, and what to expect...WHEN IT IS OFFERED. NO behind the back slick shit.
This is what it’s like to be me....EVERY DAY‼️
BC IM NICE AND GIVE A FUCK....ABOUT ANYTHING AND ANYONE‼️‼️EVEN JUST A LITTLE
IM NOT ACCEPTING YOUR PAIN RIGHT NOW‼️
I’ve been screaming this publicly for quite a while now.
I’ve had FRIENDS who I barely talk to, reach out to make sure I’m alright‼️
People have had me so torn up, that I’ve literally bitten one of my best friend’s hands (Love you, sis); but bc we’re fucking adults:
1) her children never knew anything happened
2) my son (much older) knew barely anything
3) I tried my best to not bitch much about her, through my pain and healing
4) when I calmed down enough, I reached back out to her; with true guilt and shame, knowing I’d be met with a gentle embrace.
5) I’m there for her, and she’s here for me; as we both face hell, together, again‼️
#Friendship #Sisterhood #MySis 💖
Just pick up your own pieces, and go away. I am NOT on YOUR wall, makinga mess. You’re in MY “LOVE POST,” having fun being a twat-enema!
Glad to have been blocked by one person!
Have a peaceful Tuesday, fuckers! You’ve earned it!
Sunday, September 15, 2019
Thursday, September 5, 2019
I grew up in the boondocks, with minimal care. It’s true, I need to migrate east. Nature over nurture was my life! There wasn’t much pure love in my family. Everything was conditional. I literally clung to those who loved me, and forced myself on those with hate in their hearts, bc ‘it was the right thing to do.’ I welcomed any escape that was provided, bc my mother kept me from fun activities. I didn’t even have a birthday party with friends, until I was 16! And because it snowed, I wasn’t allowed to reschedule. There was a blizzard! Always is when someone actually offers me something I’ve wanted. But especially, at the beginning of February. It’s why I can always know to expect a disaster around my birthday. My mother made us share birthdays, on each of our birthdays. It made us each selfish in different ways. Me? I lived in hand-me downs. And had barely any toys, bc my mother thought I should play with barbies. My fix? Ripping off the heads, and flushing said heads! My sister’s solutions, to that? Putting my GI Joes and Ewoks, in the oven. And I was banned from the kitchen.
The offers of escape though? They were so amazing! And I wish they were more frequent, or longer. Because I knew (and the loving people around me knew), that it was toxic to stay around selfish people. I was raised by a narcissistic mother (she was made that way by her family), and the lies and intentionally sneaky pain that a narcissist can inflict, is just disgusting. Pitting siblings against each other; and allowing them to emotionally & physically damage each other, while going off drinking to numb her pain (or whatever addiction she chooses.) And making us “kiss & make up,” when they instigated it all; by not doing anything to help...from the beginning. My addictions come from not having the correct people in my life. They literally are the disgustingly twisted coping mechanisms I grew up with! Cussing to voice my hurt more appropriately, for me; popping off at people who hurt others, for self-gain; giving someone enough rope, and seeing if they’ll hang themselves publicly with it; being inappropriate to lighten the mood of the crowd; etc...
Why, you may ask? I’m showing their true intent, while showing all the pain they’ve caused me, without them ever admitting to it. It’s the best defensive move, that a broken bird can make.
And I’m facing constant conditional love throughout my life, because I’m a loving person, and getting bitten by people who want help...just not mine. There’s a reason they won’t come directly to me. There’s a reason everyone wants me to help them. They need it. They need the love as much as I do. They don’t know that I see all their pain, and want to make it go away. I share a lot of feelings with people, bc I’ve experienced so much pain myself. “Just treat me like an equal human being, at this point!” If nothing else, how about YOU stop hurting me?
‘Go West, young man,’ gets me so much. We went to California chasing gold, not peace. It’s why we left our ‘Motherland,’ correct? We all needed and wanted something better, something ‘more.’
That feeling of being ill, helpless, and feeling like nobody is there? That’s what you feel? I’ve been there for awhile...right next to you, as you looked the other way, into a mirror; worried about your needs.
But, it’s still my fault? My fault that I have a wider range of emotions, feel more than just joy, love, anger, and jealousy? Good grief; please stop whining!
I am not jealous of people. I’m jealous of time.
You expect of me, while not giving me much; and make me cry, but I’m supposed to be the bigger person. But when you cry, I’m abandoned. Just as when you made me cry.
You’ve stolen away what you promised. You've lied to yourself, and me, at every turn. You’ve bottled me up in my own self, and you’ve slowly let my soul die.
Now you want me to leave you alone? When weeks ago, you wanted to know why I wasn’t talking to you, and I told you I needed time. It’s not hard to say, “I don’t like you, or prefer you,” but you don’t have the Balls to say it. But, it’s my fault that I do have those balls? Shut up! I’m supposed to bend to your limitations, in the name of ‘compromise,’ but all you do is load me up with more of your pain? Forcing me to feel obliged to do things that stress out my entire body & mind? No! No more! Accept the fact that you are being too greedy, and I’m being starved of love and care.
You! You did that! And it’s my fault?
You approved of our marriage, but undermined it at every chance, and even created disturbances that shouldn’t have existed. And, it’s my fault?
You knew I came from a broken home, and needed love; and you said I had to learn to get over things. And that’s my fault? You sound so familiar, bc I’ve heard your soul’s voice before. In every single self-centered person who only cares for themselves and those immediately around them.
If you look at people and their lives, and look past the bullshit; you see where their loyalty lies, who they spend their time with, mostly.
Don’t you see me here alone? Do you come see me? But, you sure like to make me miserable, everytime I walk by! You can’t resist just asking of me, without even offering a pleasantry.
That becomes triggering to sensitive people. We want to grow close, and you push us away. Some of us (ME) try to form boundaries, to respect limitations, and ask permission in the beginning. After being told yes, we’re told we’ve done something extremely wrong.
We’re told we overran a project; when all we did was go ahead with plans that were agreed upon. And that’s my fault? How? How can agreed upon plans that go sideways from your point of view, be MY FAULT??
Dear Lord, these people are exhausting to deal with!
If you’re looking over your shoulder, you’re cautious.
If you’re looking to the future, you’re wise.
If you’re not looking at both, while scanning peripheral; you’re more stupid than you realize. Who the hell taught you to NOT consider everyone around you? If you aren’t paying attention to faces, and merely chasing a butterfly; you truly are only looking out for yourself.
I’m not sorry, if that hurts your feelings. You’ve hurt mine enough.
No matter your personality; I can see motive deep inside of you, even if you aren’t aware of it. I’ve lived around assholes long enough.
Stay thirsty, guys! #BeTheChange
Just acknowledge any of the hurt you’ve caused.
Any. At. All.
And we can talk about how to deal, and heal, together.
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Wanting to simply be there to help others, is suspicious; at best.
Count the times I’ve Not been there, with good excuses; and balance against the times I was there, despite the worst.
I’ve given of myself with promises of repayment of one thing or another. I’ve learned to never give anything that I wasn’t willing to live without.
No matter how close the friend; they can hurt you. Simply by the shame of not being able to fulfill said promise; that was never asked for.
They shouldn’t need my permission to help me. But they feel inadequate to help; because they know they’ve let me down recently, in one way or another.
I’m Not the person that weighs those things minutely. The small things add up. If you can consistently show up, with voluntarily ‘debt’ to someone, that they didn’t request; please Do NOT hurt them more by being embarrassed over a spur of the moment promise (if you still do intend to keep it).
If you plan to keep not repaying that ‘debt’ to a friend, whether it’s $10 or a replacement hoodie; if you cared at all, still be there. They were there for you when you needed it.
Shame shouldn’t stop the healing process so badly. We’re meant to be social creatures; and learn from each other, to the atom.
It’s much easier to make assumptions, when we’re not willing to understand or accept someone else’s reality.
It’s also easier to make excuses, when we don’t allow ourselves; the chance to learn to see, the differences in another’s past.
It’s one thing to have shallow feelings, like jealousy, over an ex, but what about; fear to protect pain from that person, dealing with people seeing their behavior & allowing exposure to its toxicity,
Sunday, August 18, 2019
Writing out a potentially painful, potentially life ending situation that I self fixed in under 19 minutes, with just my husband; and my amazing dog, Roxie!
*Dont worry, bitches! I got this shit on lock down and I’m rolling through the waves breathing.
Rolling through life, feel good about myself for a change! 🥰
Waiting on the ob/gyn to call to discuss results of full hormone panel, full thyroid panel, and to discuss scheduling surgery (bc the hospital is my PTSD hell). 😬
Getting over crisis of self: through hard, painfully excruciating, vulnerability to reflect change
Change of myself; to fix others and me in any beautiful & extremely safe way I can (adjusted to each person’s need - this is why I shoot my rainbows where my soul feels they’re needed.
Look through the posts and see how many people
Update: 5.October 2019
So, I’ve slowly released some posts, and have zero bad feelings about low/no views. Because I understand that I’m not interesting to many people.
But this post...
This post was the night of my call to 91-, and is a post that clarified many things for me.
I was running around the house like a mad woman! I was inside/outside back and forth in seconds it felt like. I felt like I was zooming everywhere, but everyone else was standing still. It was seriously slow motion, and complete tunnel vision.
I remember me and some of my interactions that night.
I remember:not knowing where anyone was at the moment I called 911; feeling uncertain about what reactions I could expect from any/everyone about this situation, or how aware they were of the circumstances. I wanted it to be quiet here while it was happening. I didn’t want my son or neighbors to worry about their safety, while I figured things out safely.
And I’ll open up more, as time goes on. I’m willing to be the work in progress, but I need people to stop breaking my brain first.
#Psychological trauma is tough. Nobody should have to face it alone.