Sunday, August 25, 2019

Just Be There

Wanting to simply be there to help others, is suspicious; at best. 

Count the times I’ve Not been there, with good excuses; and balance against the times I was there, despite the worst. 

I’ve given of myself with promises of repayment of one thing or another. I’ve learned to never give anything that I wasn’t willing to live without. 

No matter how close the friend; they can hurt you. Simply by the shame of not being able to fulfill said promise; that was never asked for. 

They shouldn’t need my permission to help me. But they feel inadequate to help; because they know they’ve let me down recently, in one way or another. 

I’m Not the person that weighs those things minutely. The small things add up. If you can consistently show up, with voluntarily ‘debt’ to someone, that they didn’t request; please Do NOT hurt them more by being embarrassed over a spur of the moment promise (if you still do intend to keep it). 

If you plan to keep not repaying that ‘debt’ to a friend, whether it’s $10 or a replacement hoodie; if you cared at all, still be there. They were there for you when you needed it. 

Shame shouldn’t stop the healing process so badly. We’re meant to be social creatures; and learn from each other, to the atom. 

It’s much easier to make assumptions, when we’re not willing to understand or accept someone else’s reality. 

It’s also easier to make excuses, when we don’t allow ourselves; the chance to learn to see, the differences in another’s past. 

It’s one thing to have shallow feelings, like jealousy, over an ex, but what about; fear to protect pain from that person, dealing with people seeing their behavior & allowing exposure to its toxicity, 

Sunday, August 18, 2019

The Safety Net of Butterfly Catcher’s’

I can trip over air in the deepest depression. 
Currently stuck in this cloud! It’s okay though, guys! I saw the lighthouse from here! 

I have friends who have muted my ass on social media, just to keep their emotions safe, from me; but also to stay there for me. Consistently! 
These are the people who have embraced the tsunami as it progressed towards land, folks! These fine people are who made me, me! 

Every single person we meet in this life, has an impact on our journey to the beyond. 
Every: scent, taste, sight, sound, face we see, voice we hear, every. single. little or big. touch of the skin or hair; that can ignite our soul, or burn our village to the ground. 

A whisper can kill, if the right words are said; at the right time. 
I’ve seen what those whispers can do to people. Suicide. It causes suicide. If someone is on a ledge, and you push them; it’s murder. If they’re on the ledge, running from you; and you whisper, “Jump, or I’ll get you anyway!,” then you deserve the biggest, hug in the world for being so fucking ugly. 

These are years and years, decades upon decades of many, varied obstacles (big, or small) that we find in our path. 

I’m embracing this struggle, hard AF as it is right now; and I feel so blessed to have endured so much pain to have such a spectacular mid-life crisis. Be envious. It’s okay! 

Rolling along beautifully in life; until...

Evolution of self in one amazingly horrific decade of hurt; leading to the point that could have killed me. 

You’re rolling along beautifully in life, and then a mosquito bites you! On your back! 
As you reach to smack it, you pull your arm pit muscle. 
You reach with the other hand, to rub your muscle, you let out a sigh of pain. 
You’re attacked from the woods, when your sound reached the nearby wolf pack; out hunting. 

Before you know it; you’re running scared, your heart is pounding in fear, and you have to pee. 
That last thought gave your brain enough time to not see the stream running through the woods. 

Writing out a potentially painful, potentially life ending situation that I self fixed in under 19 minutes, with just my husband; and my amazing dog, Roxie! 

*Dont worry, bitches! I got this shit on lock down and I’m rolling through the waves breathing. 

Rolling through life, feel good about myself for a change! 🥰

Waiting on the ob/gyn to call to discuss results of full hormone panel, full thyroid panel, and to discuss scheduling surgery (bc the hospital is my PTSD hell). 😬

Getting over crisis of self: through hard, painfully excruciating, vulnerability to reflect change

Change of myself; to fix others and me in any beautiful & extremely safe way I can (adjusted to each person’s need - this is why I shoot my rainbows where my soul feels they’re needed. 

Look through the posts and see how many people 

Update: 5.October 2019

So, I’ve slowly released some posts, and have zero bad feelings about low/no views. Because I understand that I’m not interesting to many people. 

But this post...

This post was the night of my call to 91-, and is a post that clarified many things for me. 

I was running around the house like a mad woman! I was inside/outside back and forth in seconds it felt like. I felt like I was zooming everywhere, but everyone else was standing still. It was seriously slow motion, and complete tunnel vision. 

I remember me and some of my interactions that night. 

I remember:not knowing where anyone was at the moment I called 911; feeling uncertain about what reactions I could expect from any/everyone about this situation, or how aware they were of the circumstances. I wanted it to be quiet here while it was happening. I didn’t want my son or neighbors to worry about their safety, while I figured things out safely. 

And I’ll open up more, as time goes on. I’m willing to be the work in progress, but I need people to stop breaking my brain first. 

#Psychological trauma is tough. Nobody should have to face it alone. 

Saturday, August 17, 2019

Consistency of Self

Stay yourself as frequently as possible, for bigger impact. 
Brace yourself for that beautiful destructive explosion when everyone thinks you’re wrong. Embrace your #Truth wholly!
When it ends, if you haven’t been drowned by those wicked undercurrents; you will be afforded the opportunity to remain yourself...if you choose. 
Embrace that pain, #GreenGoddess, and soar into sweet #ElevationOfSelf that transcends this life in so many magikal ways! 

I cannot stress enough to stay authentic, and know your #worth, your #pain, your #strengths, your #weaknesses, your #limitations, your #joys, your #fears, your #hopes, your #goals, and any zany thought in between that you would like to acknowledge. 

I’ve seen way too many people being washed up upon the shore, bc they reached out to a perceived ‘rescue boat,’ that was filled with frats guys fucking with nature - once again! 
Don’t be ‘that guy!’ 

Don’t sacrifice another’s pain for your own growth! I cannot tell you what to look out for in your path in life! But I can help you work on figuring those out during a sesh! Medical Cannabis is a way for us to get past these barriers that separate us! I’m brave enough to show my ignorance and grow! Don’t appreciate it? That’s okay! I’m going to do what I need to to #ElevateMyself, and rise from my Own disasters. Be jealous, it’s beautiful! 

Take time to acknowledge that the Universe has truly sighed a breath of #ReLeaf and renewal; advocate and new patient alike in our community! 
Take it in! Reflect on things that have gone wrong; and reach out to those you trust wholly to help you grow
Watch how you expose your neck online though! Bitches will cut a muthafucker, just to enjoy splashing in the #BloodPuddles 

Stay yourselves out there, ladies!  

Friday, August 16, 2019

Daddy’s Shadow

*If only I had my voice and more musical training. This is why creative minds collaborate* 
**rough draft, unfinished, not edited; all the warnings go on this post, y’all! 
Imagine a young girl, her daddy’s shadow; holding his hand, as he protects her from all that which a father is sworn to do by accepting you as their child fully. 
I imagine this in an upbeat piano style tune, by an empowered female with wicked pipes; if that helps to unravel my mind for you. If not; enjoy the read! 

Daddy can you hear me? 
I’ll shout it, if I can

I can feel your love so clearly
So deeply does it run 
In this fluid life; of choosing: live or die
Who am I to try? 
Oh, Who. Am. I. To. Try?
Oh, woah oh, oh! 

Daddy! Can you hear me?
I’ll shout it if I caaaaaannnnnnn 

I’m feeling kinda broken 
Come heal me, if you can! 
Daddy! Can you hear me?
I’ll shout it...if. i. can. 

You’ve always been my hero
You always were my friend
I’ve been so lost without you
Here with my, by my side

Oh I reach out, to You in this dark
To guide my soul there 
I’m a light, when they’re reaching for me
Please, help me keep paying for electricity

Digging deep into memories so lost
Past the ones that are too painful to exist 
Shine your light!
Guide me there to the answers
Hold me tight, as we creep by the stairs!

Daddy! Can you hear me?
I’ll shout it if I caaaaaannnnnnn 

I’m feeling kinda broken 
Come heal me, if you can! 
Daddy! Can you hear me?
I’ll shout it if I can  

The whispers are surrounding
The eyes are all a glare 
They’re looking for an action
They want me to to drag an answer to there

I’m stuck, on a root, in my head
Tripping, blinded by the shock
That I didn’t even look
To the pains, and remains
All around us here 

Sunday, August 11, 2019

The Rise of the Persephone

We know Mythology, correct?

Persephone to me embodies Women; through: change or transitions, the light & dark of life, the differences in a BiPolar brain, and so much more. 
The ‘Goddess’ being womanhood, and empowerment of such; a privilege; amongst weakness. It means true enlightenment of self, self-awareness, and fighting for what you believe to be right and just. 
Knowing your inner/outer strengths & limitations, and seeking the core answers in life; will release you from what’s holding you back...from being a true Goddess. 

Persephone spent half her year ruling, as the Queen of the Underworld, and the other during planting & harvest. 
While her worlds shifted often, she eventually found herself comfortable enough in both situations, to know that the inevitability of the transition was the painful part. 
During the Springtime, she got a chance to sow seeds of happiness (flowers), seeds of protection (trees), seeds of nourishment (grains and vegetables), and seeds of hope as well. 
During the Summertime, she got to frolick through the fields of flowers and tend to her beautiful gardens and forests. She would enjoy time with her friends, cater & host elaborate parties, create beauty where there wasn’t, and enstill a calm that was needed after she had been away; and Autumn & Winter showed their faces. 
In late Summertime, she would get everyone ready for the harvest, and her return to the Underworld...where responsibilities, and another life, awaited her. Persephone knew she was preparing for more than just harvest. It would mean retreating to a life with which she was more than comfortable...finally. 
She has come to expect the anxiety over leaving friends, to join other friends, and knows she’ll have to do that over, and over again; forever. 

Persephone had many, great adversities; despite her privilege of being a Goddess. And it’s so easy to get stuck on the negatives in extreme situations. 

Your path as a Goddess isn’t always about what obstacles are placed in your path. It is simply how you deal with the situation you are currently. It means acknowledging fully, your current situation. Who do you know who has been here? Another Goddess, perhaps? Do you need a Goddess, or someone there; and if so, who? Do you know how trustworthy the people in your inner circle are? Can any of them help you with this situation? Do you know their strengths and weaknesses? Do you have any news from Hermès, or any small puzzle piece that clicks? Is one of your Goddesses willing to go to war with you to resolve this situation? 
How a Goddess prepares to fight back, reflects highly upon her security within herself, and her true intentions will be noticeable. Her inner Warrior will reveal itself when it’s ready. A sigh of relief will come from her lungs. Because she isn’t alone. Persephone faces many adversities in her life, but she had her family around her throughout it all. She knew she had people who were not out to harm her, but to be there to lift her up, and reignite her passions, and awaken her soul again. To renew her purpose after she has been allowed her time to feel all the emotions over any situation. Yes, even a Goddess has feelings. 

How we react to adversity in life, shows our true selves. The way we chose to advance ourselves, reveals the ways we are comfortable acting. Who we stand next to, reveals as much about ourselves, as anything else. 

#Family #Tribe

Friday, August 9, 2019

I choose this me, for right now

All my life, I’ve had to conform to others’ expectations of me. I had to consider myself last. It’s not easy on a chemically imbalanced brain to be forced to consistently conform to everyone’s definition of ‘normal.’ And then making minute adjustments for a lifetime, to please everyone else. With my unique brain chemistry, I have the potential to be anyway I choose.
I am NOT accepting requests for changes to myself at this moment! Please hang up and dial again later! 
Don’t expect me to be anything other than who I am. I Need this time right now to discover all the beautiful connections and interactions in life, and spread laughter, love, and encouragement. I feel drawn to be exactly who I am at this moment. 
I don’t have the energy to be anyone but who I am right now. I’m fighting too many battles at once, while trying to inspire and encourage a lot of people...including myself. I could absolutely be whatever I wanted to ‘allow my chemistry to shape me to be.’ But, I’d have to give up a lot of my ethics/morals to do that. At my core, I am a contradictory personality; but I’m mostly a loving and caring human. 
I’m allowing my brain the time it was never given to heal from so many traumas over my lifetime. My inner bitch is justified in its existence, and she mostly plays well with others. So, no harm, no foul? At least I already know I’m an awkward individual and I’m brave enough to ask the bold questions to start people talking. 

Phoneetics are Fun

A friend was going through bins of her children’s papers and memories and shared one with me this morning. 
Her three children are all now adults, and two are married already. All of her kids have fantastic senses of humor. She sent me this snapshot of a note she found. Apparently, she wasin the Phoenetics portion of learning, and was sounding out ‘boring,’ and wrote ‘bore-ring’ which actually sounds and looks correct for a small child. The end of this letter, however, had me cackling like a fucking idiot for almost half an hour straight. Here you go...

Now, I give her TWO THUMBS UP for the sounding out of her words, and I give her a snap, clap, and Bazinga!, for how she wanted her mom to respond to her frustration over her brother. If I had a daughter, and she wrote me this note at that age; I’d take her out for ice cream. How do you respond to this!? 

I remember sitting in First grade with my teacher during some 1-on-1 time about sounds of vowels. Like how the word ‘Read’ when used in past tense, “I read a book,” would be pronounced ‘red.’ 
At that age, I remember being able to tell my teacher I knew the vowels made sounds because of how the word sounds when it isn’t present, and how that changes the meaning of the word, and it’s presence in the sentence or phrase. It made perfect sense to my 1st grade brain that the way something is spelled affects its meaning also, and could affect whether it’s still the noun/verb/adjective it was supposed to be. 
And the more I think about things like that, the more I smile now instead of frown. I’m trying to be done with the negatives. I’m tired of saying that my mom should have allowed me the gifted & talented program I was offered many times as a child. I was offered many opportunities in life to be amazing, and my mother held me back. I’m 39 now, and she’s no longer alive. Why am I still blaming her for so much? Yes, she could have been more Present in My Life, but she was too busy Hiding in Her Life, from many things I’m sure I’ll never know. 

Hiding pain isn’t exactly easy in our family. in my family. People attack your weakest points when you least expect them to, and right when you are least able to handle it. That’s how they operate. 
I do not. I only ever do that when I’m: 
1. backed into a corner
2. Extremely unstable and cannot have what I truly need (mental health care usually) at that moment 
3. Times of extreme pressure, when I’m about to crack, and I don’t know it’s coming. 
I don’t even know all the list of adjectives I’d use to describe certain family members. They all have flaws; me the most, I believe. 
As a child, I was consistently called an ‘instigator’ by my family, simply because I would point out their improper use of words like that, to try and be helpful. 

It’s an unfortunate side effect of untreated mental illnesses. I can take partial blame for it. But I’m in much better control than most people would be, without therapy or proper psychological pharmaceuticals. I’m blessed to have my Medical Cannabis though. 
Having my eyes opened (my brain allowing me to ‘see around everything’), makes a huge difference. And if I can harness/control the rage/mania, and settle my reactions to life more; I’ll happily stay unmedicated so I can use my brain and my illnesses to my community’s advantage. If I can figure things out using my unique brain chemistry and skill set, I could absolutely do almost anything. Controlling it, is what’s hard. 
You don’t know what to expect from pharmaceuticals. Everyone is so very unique in body type, health history, environmental impact from upbringing, etc. why think that one medication works the same for everyone? 

Thursday, August 8, 2019

I won’t always sacrifice my pain to you

I won’t always come to you with my pain. That has to be fine. It just has to be. 

Here’s why I’m no good at stories

Don’t assume to think to know what to expect from someone like myself, ever. I’m mostly sarcasm and sass; sprinkled with a fuckton of raw bluntness, and thanks to my fucked up brain...a very colorful vocabulary! The only times I mince words are from brain fog or lowered ability to communicate; due to heightened anxieties. 

I probably won’t say what you want to hear, but it may not exactly be the wrong thing to hear ever; but rather an alternative viewpoint not yet considered. I’m good for readjusting skewed viewpoints. 

Looking at a child being raised with zero responsibility, and seeing all the lost moments of failure while building self esteem rather than greed... 
We’re failing ourselves, folks

Didn’t see that coming did you? 
Neither did I! That’s my point! While my brain thinks, it unravels explanations as I speak through the thought process. It’s not easy to follow, and will annoy the fuck out of someone with zero patience and a hate for 30-something empowered women, who speak their damned matter what pops out their mouths! Yes, we have an explosion of consciousness happening! It’s been going on for a VERY long time! Where have you been? Men are now feminists!! Are you in the dark ages dragging your wife around by her hair? Yes, you! White man in the wife beater drinking a beer...and dragging your poor wife by her hair! 
Quit the dumb shit and WAKE THE FUCK UP! 
Yup, didn’t see that one coming either 

That’s like me and telling stories. 

I. Just. Can’t. 
I don’t know why. I don’t know when it started. I just know that people never listened and I realized that I think too much. Like, WAY TOOOOO MUCH! So in trying to reach through the fog to remember details, my brain pieces together jigsaw puzzles from seventeen other occasions that have many common variables that are odd as fuck (to put it mildly). Because why not go ahead and just let me not be the amazing story-tellers that many chemically imbalanced people become. No, not MY destiny. I still write, but it isn’t the same as it once was, or was before that, or over my entire life-span. No, poetry will always be in my soul, but novels will never be published by me, plays never performed with my name attached as a writer, and certainly no tv series production being made any time soon - that’s somehow based on my boringly exciteable life -just no. 

I’m okay with never getting to finish a story, because it keeps me thinking when my mouth stops moving, after you’ve all stopped listening. My brain is always on. It likes to try and remind me often that it controls all of me. 

I remind my Brain often, that it’s my bitch, and I could medicate it into oblivion if I wanted to, with legal pharmaceuticals. I could figuratively cut off that appendage, and have it ‘grow back’ (different) from going back off of psychiatric medication for the major contradictory symptoms. 
But, my brain knows I don’t have mental health insurance coverage. So it beats me up with facts while I retaliate with hope and a Warrior spirit. 

And that has been 20 minutes of me making this post. Corrections are minimal for full impact. Tear it up, y’all

Much love, 
Your travel guide down this amazing rabbit hole of a life,

Sunday, August 4, 2019

It’s okay for your soul to have bullet points and asterisks

Life takes turns, and we can’t always express ourselves, but our soul’s true intentions show in our actions. 

I see you struggling, and feeling alone. 
I know it feels like you can’t trust anyone right now, and that’s okay. Your feelings are valid, no matter who made you feel them currently, recently, or from the past. 
I’m here. 
I see the pain you’re trying to hide. Most won’t, but I applaud your bravery and courage. And it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. 
I’m here. 
I see how pain can lead to desperation for an escape. Your feelings are valid; the questions you’re asking are what’s wrong. But it’s alright if you don’t want to talk about it. 
I’m here. 
I see the storm brewing beneath the surface, and I’d like to help you through the rough patch...and make sure you arrive safely to shore. But it’s okay if you’re not ready right now. 
I’m here. 
I see the posts you’ve written, and I know the attention you seek is just love and understanding. Your feelings are valid. I see and hear you. And it’s okay if you feel overwhelmed. 
I’m here. 

I want to celebrate YOU

Yes, finally time to celebrate you! All the wonderful and awful things about you! 

Yes, you, Mr Struggles 

You make my life hell daily, and you confuse the hell out of me. Face it, you’re confused most of the time yourself. You have horrible timing, you ruin good times consistently. You fudge up any plans, and always find a way to make any day so much worse. You’ve drained my accounts, kept me guessing, and completely turned my world upside-down. I run out of breath from jumping to conclusions over you and your completely weird ways. 

But you’ve changed my life irrevocably, and I’m kinda grateful for that! I’ve met some pretty fantastic people through my relationship with you. I’ve been places, seen stuff, tried things that I never would have. These friends you helped me find are so amazing. They tell me that you teach people lessons that they aren’t ready to learn. You are people change the course of their lives forever, and some in positive ways? How’s that possible when you are nothing but a pain? 

Thank you mental and physical illnesses for opening my eyes to something I had forgotten about. 

Dear BiPolar- 
For all your good, and bad, I don’t think I ever would have chosen the easy road. Thank you for protecting me when I needed it, comforted me when nobody else could, and allowed me to love me again, and to appreciate and grow to love you as well

My Mask Hides Many Faces

I'm 39, and I have lived at a much reduced capacity these past 10 years. My body and mind began to fail me horribly, as my physical and mental health both took an enormous step forward, together.

I have many entangled invisible illnesses that feed off each other, both mental and physical...
This makes it that much harder to 'show' that everyone deals with life differently. I have the courage to be the face and voice. It isn't always easy to brace myself against the waves of insults, people trying to shame me or spur an emotional response when they know I'm feeling emotional. I'm fine with that, because if I'm not brave enough, it means very little to those I'm trying so hard to inspire and encourage.

Living my life out loud means I have to show all the things that are good, bad, and indifferent about my issues. Feeling out what something would look like if my illnesses weren't so 'invisible.' I wear my emotions as my armor. Most days, my clothes reflect how I feel. Just because you don't think it matches, doesn't mean that the truth.

Having a BiPolar brain means I can see around many things, from various angles & aspects. Hearing someone tell me I need to see things from their point of view is useless, because they don't realize that I can, and their point of view is skewed by emotion.

I have a very long list of many mental & physical diagnoses, and my specialists are still trying to diagnose/eliminate some pretty big masquerading invisible illnesses.

Join me on my journey of Advocacy, pain, encouragement, disappointment, aggravation, desperation, and adorkable delights.