Deep in the Shallows

Have you ever been so deep in the shallows, that you lose yourself? 

...to be around people who deal in shallow things so much, that you're drawn in, unwittingly, involuntarily? 

What if this happens right as you are vulnerable, and in need of actual support, with strict standards? 

...to worry whether you will flounder, as you seek support in the most desperate of times. 

Feeling the necessity for warmth from the depths you cannot reach; not alone, at least. 

We fight the tide that keeps pounding at us, keeping us ashore, beached, aching to swim free. 

Walk away on a whisper

Walk away on a whisper, my dear

Let them ignore you more

If you're lucky, it will be days before they notice

If you're not, simply start to run

Run to the safety that you believe in

And away from the pains that plague

Gifted & Talented, with lost potential

I remember being so excited to hear my teacher tell me I was considered "Gifted & Talented," and for the opportunity to go to a different school, to learn with other kids more like myself. 

That's not how my story went, though. I cannot remember if it was 2 or 3 years in a row, but my teachers consistently saw me as a bright & gifted student, in Elementary School. 

So why did I not go to the Special Smart Kids School? 

Ahhh, that would be my mother. "Worried" about my learning outside my age group, but especially that it would make my sister (14mo older) feel bad. 

Held back from my potential, year after year, dimming my hope as early as 1st grade, and reminding me how unimportant I was, while demanding straight A's in all my classes at the school I was bored attending. 

I remember my Daddy writing up math problems just to keep me busy, and I'd spend hours doing them. I loved Math so much. I loved all my subjects!! I didn't study, I simply absorbed information. 

I was not allowed to do activities my mother didn't approve of, so I only was allowed ones I despised being part of. Brownies being the most horrible experience of them all, especially for me, a tomboy banned from their own kitchen. 

Imagine knowing how smart you are, knowing nothing will make your family see or appreciate it, and that it would be forever until you'd be released. 

It's a frightening place to be, especially for a bored younger me, who wanted to learn as much as possible about anything & everything. So many layered questions, gone unanswered over time, as "nobody has time for that, Bear!!,' rang through the air. There never seemed to be time, energy, money, or such for me specifically. Sad thing to realize before you even enter elementary school. Knowing that there was nothing there could be done If/When someone wanted to bully me for ill-fitting clothes, or any other number of things. Kids truly can be so cruel, and I'm glad I always did understand that it was not my fault that I wore my sisters' hand-me-downs, because they were able to get brand new clothes often. 

My smarts were effectively used against me, and I started using it as a reason to not try. 

Mental Health Day 2020

Don't we need extras this year? Shouldn't we highlight the need for proper care more extensively? 

How do we relay to the world that insurance costs would go down, if people had access to the proper level of care needed, at each and every step, on every level? 

My journey is a long one, but not unique in the least. Many people have had shit childhoods, but each of us have different fears, feats, issues, and symptoms. 

To those of you struggling, please know you truly are never alone, especially when it feels as if you are. At the moment you feel the loneliest, there are others feelings as lost and frustrated as you are, sadly. 

The one HUGE positive difference we can make, is to acknowledge that we have been through something horrible, and to reach our voices towards others who have experienced the same. 

As a person who has experienced many horrible tragedies, I can say that sometimes it is beyond your control. Sometimes, you will know the things that are unhealthy, even as you do them, and that is a process all its own. 

Acknowledging where we've been, how much we've grown, how far we've come, and celebrating the big & small accomplishments along the way. 

We remove the people who we know are not good for our mental health, no matter how well intentioned they "think" they are, because it is not our jobs to educate others as we are learning ourselves. Especially those who are unwilling to listen, accept, research, or support us in ways that matter for our healing. 

We cannot hide in the corner forever, afraid of speaking up. 

But we should have better access to empathetic people who actually give a damn. 

Blood of my blood

Blood of my blood, and a piece of my heart

I am so sorry for the way you chose to depart

The facts are blurred, the emotions are high

And above all else, I'm still asking why...

I release your pain, and how it encumbered so well

I breathe in the winds of silence from the quell

I swallow deeply, and steady my shaking hands

Our family unable to ever accept the truth in a man

So gentle your soul, so vibrant your smile

And I'm so blessed I had you here for a while. 

Stay if you'd like, or if you need

But remember you've finished the deed

Please walk swiftly in the wind towards forever

And only come back when you are sure it's over...

Coming back to me

In an instant, I snapped back to myself

I remembered who I was, where I stood, and who was in my way. It was myself, of course, like always. 

Breathe through the growing pains

Just breathe

Sit a while, rest comfortably with me

Just breathe

Inhale aromas of the changes that are to come

Exhale the darkness of things you hope to Release 

Find the balance in between the breaths

Focus on your heartbeat

Just breathe

Bathe in the sweetness of your resolve to grow

Wash away the bone deep sorrow that clouds your mind

Scrub away the roughness of your voice and actions

Rinse yourself in newness galore, and release a giggle

Just breathe

Find your favorite moisturizer and apply as you like

Feel the tingle of sensation from this amazing self care

Let your eyes close, and inhale the scent of your soul

Exhale slowly, releasing the pains of your soul's past 

Just breathe

Extend your arms high above, and tilt your face upwards

Breathe in the magick of your own making

Listen for the sound of your own heartbeat 

Exhale, bring your arms to rest lax beside you

Just breathe

Roll your shoulders, arch that back, and breathe in new life

Feel your mantras, as you slowly exhale

Search out the flow of energy within you 

Find balance in the spaces between

Just breathe 

Find your favorite comfort clothing and slip it on

Savor the feeling of the fabric against you

Allow the comfort to envelope you completely 

Grab a candle, and find a nice spot on the floor

Just breathe

Set your intentions loose throughout your body 

Light your candle, to seal & claim your own Ritual

Bless your Goddess or God, and thank them 

Share your soul's intention with your universe thoroughly 

Just breathe

Mama...

I believe  that if I had a way to easily camp-out in the yard (not as easy as you'd imagine, with my chronic health issues),  to isolate for 14 days afterwards, my ass would be out protesting right now. Yes, I would choose to expose myself to a pandemic, to show my support, AND keep my family safe. YOU CAN DO BOTH! 

Hearing #GeorgeFloyd call for his mama broke something in me that I didn't know was there, or wasn't as aware of it. The call sounded like a plea for ANY mama in the vicinity, it felt like. 

I understand you have your comfort limits on how you see things unfolding, the buildings on fire, and some of you for the first time finding out racism truly still exists. Please understand this is Not how someone of color sees it. They see it as dismantling a system that was built on their backs, in torturous ways, while they were slaved, segregated, and so much more. 

Welcome to the revolution! 

Let me start by saying that I am someone who has had 6 miscarriages, and I have an 18yr old stepson who is graduating during a pandemic. Sets the mood, yea? 

Hearing ANY child cry for their mama sets something off in a female. We're literally designed to listen for those cries, and when you hear it, and can do nothing? 

I don't care whose child it is! We all saw what happened, heard his pleas, and saw life drain out of a black man, live from different angles, while witnesses & Paramedics told them to stop. 

Let it burn. 

That police station that jailed all their sons for hustles that are now legal, and their boys are still in jail? 

Let it burn. 

That Target store that funds the police department, and it's elected officials, who knowingly hide the truth behind "We feared for our lives, without ever seeing if anyone can find guilt/innocence in that fact? 

Let it burn. 

Those symbols you see of war heroes, that they see differently? 

Tear it down. 

These aren't my choices, nor words, overall, but I am an #Ally, and it is time to choose sides. 

I don't have 400 years of generational oppression holding me back from the things I NEED, let alone the things I desire, regardless of effort. But, I am a #Mama and that holds weight! Yes, it hurt me before it was George Floyd,  and yes, I was outraged before; but this was my breaking point, not that it matters, because THIS MUST END! 

You fear those burning buildings, while they've always had to fear that PLUS burning crosses. 

You want the protestors to be peaceful, but are ignorant (not blind, bc you Should educate yourself) of the police officers launching tear gas & spraying pepper spray. 

You find no need for looting & destruction, but who says it is You who decides what is owed, and from where? Do you see the organizations sent in to incite this destruction? No, you ask why, and turn the channel, without any want or need to answer your own questions. 

Fucking figure it out! Quickly! This is no time to split hairs on a debate that is centuries long, and not recorded factually in schoolbook standards. 

#OpenYourEyes 

#UseYourPrivilegeWisely 

18 years now

What 18yrs since you left feels like:

I still remember being at Brian's apartment, the morning I got the call. I also remember immediately asking Brian if he minded if I just curled up in his bed all day. I remember the gut punch, when she said you had passed, and the numbness that followed. I remember not having the strength to force one foot in front of the other. 

18yrs later, I can speak those feelings, and still feel the echo of it all. 

The days and weeks that followed....oh how those sucked horribly. Being slammed from every angle, by someone who wanted to be consoled, about their loss of you. 

How much energy can one person lose in a day, a week? And who takes the time to replenish that for me??, nobody, that's who....not even me. Not for a while. 

The people who had shunned you, needed their peace, not worried about my pain. What a huge shame...and I wore that shame for them, for many years. 

You were a unique type of wholeness, that cannot be described. And, your flaws made you perfect, in my eyes. 

The day of your memorial service, and I get quite the fright, by our nephew...bc he saw my reflection in the mirror, and thought it was you. The pride I hold by wearing your features, cannot be explained. The fae-like warrior in me, is so glad to have known yours...if only for awhile. Those were the best years I could have gotten with you. 

You taught me about pain, vulnerability, and fate. Such a soulful guide, in touch with nature, and afraid to smoke your pot around me...but always talked about it, at length. 

Your life & you had meaning to so many, and you are so incredibly missed. I'm sorry I cannot visit your body, as your wishes were broken, but I visit you daily, in my thoughts and reflections. 

It's incredible to look back and see the tragedies that linked us, in so many unusual ways. You being convinced your tragedies  happened, so that you could be there for me, during mine. Your spirit definitely lives on, inside of me. I hope I am living up to your memory. 

I miss you, incredibly, dear sister. I wish we had gotten more time together here on earth, before you left us. I understand why you couldn't stay, and please know you left your mark!! 

I love you, Reneé 💜

If only we knew the beauty before

Most of the major mistakes from my past are now beautiful paintings on the walls inside my soul. 

It takes a lot of healing to make it this far. A lot of self-reflection, and so much self-love and forgiveness 💜

Many people don't learn from their mistakes, and I repeated a few big ones, thanks to trauma, survivor mode, and other bullshit trauma-bonding. 

We can eventually get out of our cycle of self-sabotage though, if we try hard enough, and put our all into it. 

Positive self-talk is one of the hardest for people, and I'm no different. It's easier for me than most, but I still struggle with finding positive things to say to a failing body full pf chronic issues. 

In my 20's, I spent an enormous amount of time trying to make my resting place as comfortable as possible, so my body would be rejuvenated as possible, when it would finally rest. If only I had known therapy would have helped me more, because my family wasn't right, and never were...they were toxic for me. Maybe not for each other, but definitely for me. 

My 30's were spent taking time of my mental faculties from having so much constant upheaval in my life that it brought out my immune system issues en masse. So many specialists and fancy pharmaceuticals that made me sicker. 

In my 40's, I hope to do greater things, for many people, especially my little family. 

Untitled 12. May 2020

Once you tire from them talking over you

You'll more clearly see the inequality there

Your soul too deep for shallow words

A mind too bright with beautiful & unique ideas

They never understood you, you see, dear one

All those words & feelings you tried to convey

Nor did they want to explore them

Their fear consumed by their ignorance

....painted as pretty & petty gossip, aka "concern" 

Untitled by A.May 12. May 2020 

April's crescent moon

Crescent moon, deep in the sky

Swallow me up, and show me why

The things here make no sense, not much, and everyone is such a grump. They hold fast to rules they readily break, if the person doesn't meet their standards. 

Starry night, veiled in mischief 

Wrap me up, show me "what if's" 

If no one were hungry, or served themselves first, and people were smiling & singing their curses. Where integrity holds weight, and words have meaning; consequences found, instead of paying to have it looked past. 

Another Day of Me

I awaken from disturbed sleep, a prisoner of another day of memories flooding from the past. 

Taking a deep breath, I push the darkness back as far as it will go. 

Forcing my colorful soul to drive out the previous night's terrors. 

Steeling myself against the residual emotions & physical pains, I pull myself from bed. 

Quarantine's Dreams

In a small way, it was expected to happen. I would be faced again with "family,' and all the trauma that comes with them. All the hate, assumptions, opinions, and hateful "love."

In the quarantine, a dream came swiftly, swallowing me up in its maul til I was consumed by the pain and horror of it all. It wasn't a trap, as I know all of their tricks, and used them to survive for 40yrs already...

then came the soul crushing feeling that they would be tormenting me soon, and in times like these, that could mean too many things. There are too many variables for me to consider, and thus I'm staying as calm as possible. I'm healed and they can no longer shake me the way they used to. They simply no longer have that hold over me.

The snakes slithering through the grass, the swift rapids beneath the rickety tracks our trolley rode on for a piece, and all the snide remarks that filled my ears with their echoing cackles. My raspy non-response, as my voice had been silenced. The slowing of my walk, the dragging in my steps, it all became so hard. 

Then....I flew! After about a week, I had helped calm myself enough to be able to overcome the uncertainties of the past. I knew the words that were effective, and was finally able to silence them. And I drifted away, through the trees, and filled up on the pure joy of being released from another prison sentence with them. I rejoiced in my healing, and the growing I've done. It brought me back to myself, and it felt like home. 

Searching for something my entire life, that has simply lived within, is an absolutely awe-inspiring realization. I'm blessed to have had so much time to reflect, and progress in my healing, to the point where I can not only help others, but myself as well. Being able to focus on me has made the biggest difference in my life. I've never had the opportunity to focus mostly on myself, and my health. I'm so thankful to have had this time, and to be able to continue that in my future, as well. 

Shame on You, Society

Society truly molds our 'herd mentality,' so efficiently. 

Those people who call people "drama queens," won't admit they've gossiped, or state that the "drama queen" has been victimized, traumatized, or recently setback in some way. 

That's what happens when any shade of #UglyTruth presents itself, from within the most broken and exposed individuals. 

When we set boundaries, against the pesky gossip, we're also called "drama queens," as if protesting against hearing anything negative about a victim is something completely taboo. 

We still like to settle in with like-minded people, who share the same vibration level, and hobbies/activities. We still do all these things. 

Mean girls still exist. We can ALL be the mean girl. 

I just don't do it in typical fashion. 

I'm honest, and vocal about injustice, especially when it comes to victims and their abusers. On any level, abuse is hard to deal with, because it is never a positive setting.