Whims of this Wild Woman

Maybe I have leapt further than is safe more than a few times. Perhaps I have misjudged people, and blindly trusted them, because of my unhealed trauma. I've allowed myself to believe in pretty lies and promises that would never bloom. 

That woman is no longer here. She's been gone for quite some time now. What's left, in her place, is a very hurt girl, waiting for true safety and healing. It's time for her to be a priority, finally. It shouldn't have taken 40 years, but it has, for one fucked up reason or another. But, it's truly her time to shine. 

Stumbling forward in time

As I dissect, and examine, each piece of my past, I sit in awe of how much I have survived already in my 40 years of life.  

The ice water being thrown on me, being thrown down the stairs, being dragged by my hair, being whipped with a belt or slotted spoon, having little/no support/encouragement, and being everyone's favorite emotional ragdoll. Abusive family, friends, and lovers. 6 miscarriages and a couple assaults. A lot of alcohol, and "being the bigger person," even when it broke me repeatedly. 

It's amazing how many patterns arise once your healing journey actually begins, though, thankfully. Patterns that are My own, and others...

Seeing the fucked up choices that stay consistent, the anxieties & issues that crawl throughout my life, and the varied people who leach what they can because they know they can. Seeing people for who they truly and actually are, because I'm no longer listening to their sweet lies. No, no, I am allowing their actions to speak for them, and it's so far from the words their mouth say most times. That's fine, I'll be okay without them, if they were only ever going to lie anyway. I don't need double standards in my life, ever. They are NOT allowed, and I'm evicting them swiftly. 

On to people who only speak negatively, or who do the toxic positivity 'thing,' yet think I'm their personal counselor/therapist; so they always come to me for a boost, while simultaneously putting me down with a backhanded compliment. No need for that here, either. No sir. I am getting back to my bubbly and optimistic self, without interference from any negative nancies. I will just have to evict them from my life, or tune them way the fuck out, because there is no room in my energy zones for it. 

Seeing people for who they really are, and to stop letting my emotions guide me so blindly into chaos willingly, bc I didn't stop to consider there might be lies involved, or promises that were never going to be kept. Figuring out that people get to know me, just to see which types of abuse I have/do tolerate, and then behaving in those abhorrent ways towards me. Infuriating & absolutely disgusting display of behavior, in my opinion. 

People who are so willing to treat you as if you were the one who broke their heart, instead of treating you like the love they said you were. Untrusting, distant, unfocused, and snippy. 

The ones who discard so easily, but then cry & beg you to come back to them, only for them to continue acting as they had before; no change in sight, because they aren't really capable or willing. 

People trying to make themselves a victim after they have gaslit me to the point of dissociation, or worse. Those are some of the worst experiences ever. Being gaslit, or emotionally abused is a special kind of hell all its own, I swear. Especially when endured over a long period of time. Hearing & seeing someone reveal that they're not themselves in such ugly ways is truly eye-opening. Add in a swath of other issues simultaneously, and you never truly do know which end is up, at any given moment. It just makes it too easy to allow someone to be your compass, when you're too tired to do it anymore. You find out later that you are very off course, because the plan and path you set out on was left in another's hands...someone who got tired of pretending to be like you, or to have the same goals. 

Too many times in my life, I have felt like MY life hadn't yet started, because my life always has someone else in its center. Now that my stepson is an adult, I can finally put myself at the center of my world, for true & full healing. No more waiting, or making sure everyone else is okay first. 23mo ago, I had started my delay of hysterectomy which led me down a very fucked up & unusual road. It's time that the very loud elephant in the room is addressed, as I have dealt with it for over 28yrs now, and it's not gotten better with age.