In a small way, it was expected to happen. I would be faced again with "family,' and all the trauma that comes with them. All the hate, assumptions, opinions, and hateful "love."
In the quarantine, a dream came swiftly, swallowing me up in its maul til I was consumed by the pain and horror of it all. It wasn't a trap, as I know all of their tricks, and used them to survive for 40yrs already...
then came the soul crushing feeling that they would be tormenting me soon, and in times like these, that could mean too many things. There are too many variables for me to consider, and thus I'm staying as calm as possible. I'm healed and they can no longer shake me the way they used to. They simply no longer have that hold over me.
The snakes slithering through the grass, the swift rapids beneath the rickety tracks our trolley rode on for a piece, and all the snide remarks that filled my ears with their echoing cackles. My raspy non-response, as my voice had been silenced. The slowing of my walk, the dragging in my steps, it all became so hard.
Then....I flew! After about a week, I had helped calm myself enough to be able to overcome the uncertainties of the past. I knew the words that were effective, and was finally able to silence them. And I drifted away, through the trees, and filled up on the pure joy of being released from another prison sentence with them. I rejoiced in my healing, and the growing I've done. It brought me back to myself, and it felt like home.
Searching for something my entire life, that has simply lived within, is an absolutely awe-inspiring realization. I'm blessed to have had so much time to reflect, and progress in my healing, to the point where I can not only help others, but myself as well. Being able to focus on me has made the biggest difference in my life. I've never had the opportunity to focus mostly on myself, and my health. I'm so thankful to have had this time, and to be able to continue that in my future, as well.
