Deep in the Shallows

Have you ever been so deep in the shallows, that you lose yourself? 

...to be around people who deal in shallow things so much, that you're drawn in, unwittingly, involuntarily? 

What if this happens right as you are vulnerable, and in need of actual support, with strict standards? 

...to worry whether you will flounder, as you seek support in the most desperate of times. 

Feeling the necessity for warmth from the depths you cannot reach; not alone, at least. 

We fight the tide that keeps pounding at us, keeping us ashore, beached, aching to swim free. 

Walk away on a whisper

Walk away on a whisper, my dear

Let them ignore you more

If you're lucky, it will be days before they notice

If you're not, simply start to run

Run to the safety that you believe in

And away from the pains that plague

Gifted & Talented, with lost potential

I remember being so excited to hear my teacher tell me I was considered "Gifted & Talented," and for the opportunity to go to a different school, to learn with other kids more like myself. 

That's not how my story went, though. I cannot remember if it was 2 or 3 years in a row, but my teachers consistently saw me as a bright & gifted student, in Elementary School. 

So why did I not go to the Special Smart Kids School? 

Ahhh, that would be my mother. "Worried" about my learning outside my age group, but especially that it would make my sister (14mo older) feel bad. 

Held back from my potential, year after year, dimming my hope as early as 1st grade, and reminding me how unimportant I was, while demanding straight A's in all my classes at the school I was bored attending. 

I remember my Daddy writing up math problems just to keep me busy, and I'd spend hours doing them. I loved Math so much. I loved all my subjects!! I didn't study, I simply absorbed information. 

I was not allowed to do activities my mother didn't approve of, so I only was allowed ones I despised being part of. Brownies being the most horrible experience of them all, especially for me, a tomboy banned from their own kitchen. 

Imagine knowing how smart you are, knowing nothing will make your family see or appreciate it, and that it would be forever until you'd be released. 

It's a frightening place to be, especially for a bored younger me, who wanted to learn as much as possible about anything & everything. So many layered questions, gone unanswered over time, as "nobody has time for that, Bear!!,' rang through the air. There never seemed to be time, energy, money, or such for me specifically. Sad thing to realize before you even enter elementary school. Knowing that there was nothing there could be done If/When someone wanted to bully me for ill-fitting clothes, or any other number of things. Kids truly can be so cruel, and I'm glad I always did understand that it was not my fault that I wore my sisters' hand-me-downs, because they were able to get brand new clothes often. 

My smarts were effectively used against me, and I started using it as a reason to not try.