I grew up in the boondocks, with minimal care. It’s true, I need to migrate east. Nature over nurture was my life! There wasn’t much pure love in my family. Everything was conditional. I literally clung to those who loved me, and forced myself on those with hate in their hearts, bc ‘it was the right thing to do.’ I welcomed any escape that was provided, bc my mother kept me from fun activities. I didn’t even have a birthday party with friends, until I was 16! And because it snowed, I wasn’t allowed to reschedule. There was a blizzard! Always is when someone actually offers me something I’ve wanted. But especially, at the beginning of February. It’s why I can always know to expect a disaster around my birthday. My mother made us share birthdays, on each of our birthdays. It made us each selfish in different ways. Me? I lived in hand-me downs. And had barely any toys, bc my mother thought I should play with barbies. My fix? Ripping off the heads, and flushing said heads! My sister’s solutions, to that? Putting my GI Joes and Ewoks, in the oven. And I was banned from the kitchen.
The offers of escape though? They were so amazing! And I wish they were more frequent, or longer. Because I knew (and the loving people around me knew), that it was toxic to stay around selfish people. I was raised by a narcissistic mother (she was made that way by her family), and the lies and intentionally sneaky pain that a narcissist can inflict, is just disgusting. Pitting siblings against each other; and allowing them to emotionally & physically damage each other, while going off drinking to numb her pain (or whatever addiction she chooses.) And making us “kiss & make up,” when they instigated it all; by not doing anything to help...from the beginning. My addictions come from not having the correct people in my life. They literally are the disgustingly twisted coping mechanisms I grew up with! Cussing to voice my hurt more appropriately, for me; popping off at people who hurt others, for self-gain; giving someone enough rope, and seeing if they’ll hang themselves publicly with it; being inappropriate to lighten the mood of the crowd; etc...
Why, you may ask? I’m showing their true intent, while showing all the pain they’ve caused me, without them ever admitting to it. It’s the best defensive move, that a broken bird can make.
And I’m facing constant conditional love throughout my life, because I’m a loving person, and getting bitten by people who want help...just not mine. There’s a reason they won’t come directly to me. There’s a reason everyone wants me to help them. They need it. They need the love as much as I do. They don’t know that I see all their pain, and want to make it go away. I share a lot of feelings with people, bc I’ve experienced so much pain myself. “Just treat me like an equal human being, at this point!” If nothing else, how about YOU stop hurting me?
‘Go West, young man,’ gets me so much. We went to California chasing gold, not peace. It’s why we left our ‘Motherland,’ correct? We all needed and wanted something better, something ‘more.’
That feeling of being ill, helpless, and feeling like nobody is there? That’s what you feel? I’ve been there for awhile...right next to you, as you looked the other way, into a mirror; worried about your needs.
But, it’s still my fault? My fault that I have a wider range of emotions, feel more than just joy, love, anger, and jealousy? Good grief; please stop whining!
I am not jealous of people. I’m jealous of time.
You expect of me, while not giving me much; and make me cry, but I’m supposed to be the bigger person. But when you cry, I’m abandoned. Just as when you made me cry.
You’ve stolen away what you promised. You've lied to yourself, and me, at every turn. You’ve bottled me up in my own self, and you’ve slowly let my soul die.
Now you want me to leave you alone? When weeks ago, you wanted to know why I wasn’t talking to you, and I told you I needed time. It’s not hard to say, “I don’t like you, or prefer you,” but you don’t have the Balls to say it. But, it’s my fault that I do have those balls? Shut up! I’m supposed to bend to your limitations, in the name of ‘compromise,’ but all you do is load me up with more of your pain? Forcing me to feel obliged to do things that stress out my entire body & mind? No! No more! Accept the fact that you are being too greedy, and I’m being starved of love and care.
You! You did that! And it’s my fault?
You approved of our marriage, but undermined it at every chance, and even created disturbances that shouldn’t have existed. And, it’s my fault?
You knew I came from a broken home, and needed love; and you said I had to learn to get over things. And that’s my fault? You sound so familiar, bc I’ve heard your soul’s voice before. In every single self-centered person who only cares for themselves and those immediately around them.
If you look at people and their lives, and look past the bullshit; you see where their loyalty lies, who they spend their time with, mostly.
Don’t you see me here alone? Do you come see me? But, you sure like to make me miserable, everytime I walk by! You can’t resist just asking of me, without even offering a pleasantry.
That becomes triggering to sensitive people. We want to grow close, and you push us away. Some of us (ME) try to form boundaries, to respect limitations, and ask permission in the beginning. After being told yes, we’re told we’ve done something extremely wrong.
We’re told we overran a project; when all we did was go ahead with plans that were agreed upon. And that’s my fault? How? How can agreed upon plans that go sideways from your point of view, be MY FAULT??
Dear Lord, these people are exhausting to deal with!
If you’re looking over your shoulder, you’re cautious.
If you’re looking to the future, you’re wise.
If you’re not looking at both, while scanning peripheral; you’re more stupid than you realize. Who the hell taught you to NOT consider everyone around you? If you aren’t paying attention to faces, and merely chasing a butterfly; you truly are only looking out for yourself.
I’m not sorry, if that hurts your feelings. You’ve hurt mine enough.
No matter your personality; I can see motive deep inside of you, even if you aren’t aware of it. I’ve lived around assholes long enough.
Stay thirsty, guys! #BeTheChange
Just acknowledge any of the hurt you’ve caused.
Any. At. All.
And we can talk about how to deal, and heal, together.
💚🤓🏍🧚♂️
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