18 years now

What 18yrs since you left feels like:

I still remember being at Brian's apartment, the morning I got the call. I also remember immediately asking Brian if he minded if I just curled up in his bed all day. I remember the gut punch, when she said you had passed, and the numbness that followed. I remember not having the strength to force one foot in front of the other. 

18yrs later, I can speak those feelings, and still feel the echo of it all. 

The days and weeks that followed....oh how those sucked horribly. Being slammed from every angle, by someone who wanted to be consoled, about their loss of you. 

How much energy can one person lose in a day, a week? And who takes the time to replenish that for me??, nobody, that's who....not even me. Not for a while. 

The people who had shunned you, needed their peace, not worried about my pain. What a huge shame...and I wore that shame for them, for many years. 

You were a unique type of wholeness, that cannot be described. And, your flaws made you perfect, in my eyes. 

The day of your memorial service, and I get quite the fright, by our nephew...bc he saw my reflection in the mirror, and thought it was you. The pride I hold by wearing your features, cannot be explained. The fae-like warrior in me, is so glad to have known yours...if only for awhile. Those were the best years I could have gotten with you. 

You taught me about pain, vulnerability, and fate. Such a soulful guide, in touch with nature, and afraid to smoke your pot around me...but always talked about it, at length. 

Your life & you had meaning to so many, and you are so incredibly missed. I'm sorry I cannot visit your body, as your wishes were broken, but I visit you daily, in my thoughts and reflections. 

It's incredible to look back and see the tragedies that linked us, in so many unusual ways. You being convinced your tragedies  happened, so that you could be there for me, during mine. Your spirit definitely lives on, inside of me. I hope I am living up to your memory. 

I miss you, incredibly, dear sister. I wish we had gotten more time together here on earth, before you left us. I understand why you couldn't stay, and please know you left your mark!! 

I love you, Reneé 💜