Thursday, October 24, 2019

The Beast You Know & Love

It’s been a long year, of #WarriorMode2019. I’m not done yet. 

My marriage still isn’t safe. Being without his ring, must be making him more upset. I don’t like wearing it at all, mostly bc I am always at risk of losing the ring. 

This works for me, bc it reminds me of how easily our marriage could end, if I allowed anything to happen to the ring he gave back to me, just weeks ago. 

Last evening was interesting. 

As we face more difficulties with the extended family, since our son turning 18, I’m very unsettled with still being ‘out of the loop,’ about his life. And my husband thinks that encouraging him to spend time with me, isn’t the way to make a Mother-child bond, or something equally odd. Every father-fiber inside him, is seeming to say, “this woman is like the last one, and she’ll hurt you and your son!” 

And this has been allowed for too long. 

So how am I to help my son achieve the goals he has, when everyone else just wants to keep doing everything for him, including building excuses for all his actions? 

My son is smart beyond measure, but has never had to do anything on his own, and it scares him. I didn’t realize how bad it was, until yesterday. 

He didn’t pick up the paperwork from the school office, for the school transcripts and such, and also for college financial paperwork (FAFSA). He told me that he didn’t know who to see or what to say when he got there. The office emailed students and parents about this stuff, over a month ago, and have offered two meetings at school with advisors since then, already. 

Apparently NOT knowing how to do something, is a common barrier in this household, bc people would rather depend on someone else to do it, rather than attempt to do it themselves. Do-dependence isn’t always healthy. He’s getting the “go have fun” vibes and morals, and none of the “wash your hands & be helpful” vibes and ethics 

It blew up slightly, after our son went on to church last evening. 

Sonny: I can’t take the constant criticism. 

Me: I can’t take the lack of follow-through, and progress, due to broken promises...or you ‘forgot,’ bc I’m the one with an actual brain/mental issue, and I’m having to remind everyone of everything. 

Sonny: I don’t know how to help you! 

Me: so my telling you exactly what I need, and you Not doing it, is My fault? 

Sonny: I’m trying! I’m trying to help you, but you keep saying no, when I ask you about it. I remember trying to help you get motivated for a shower, bc you wanted to go somewhere 

Me: how recently? 

Sonny: you wanted to go somewhere with friends (this doesn’t happen often ~2-4x a month lately)

Me: Did you offer to help me shower last Friday, when I need one before my cardiologist appointment? 

Sonny: well, no I didn’t ask you then 

Me: so you didn’t help or offer. 

He told me again tonight to leave, so I took a beat, and asked him for a hug. 

He held me very close, almost too close, but I heard his heart pounding out of his ribs. I heard the pain. I asked him to let go of my head, so I could move it. I readjusted into our hug, and stared out into space, again. 

Then, I started to realize that he has never wanted me to leave, even if it is better for the both of us. I was standing, numb, in his embrace; wondering, ‘Can I feel happiness again, or pain? Or have they truly broken me?’ 

I try and wiggle my arms free, but he mistakes it and holds me closer in the hug. I ask kindly to have my arms back. 

I gently smoothed the lines on his face, with my numbed fingers, and reminded him that I love the beast inside of him also. 

Because of my past, I’m conditioned to be attracted to the anger inside of him. 

Check your circle, and see what they say to you about your significant other. Are you listening to them, or the words of your significant other; or both, and weighing their separate viewpoints. 

It’s very easy to be swayed during rough patches. Someone will try and step in, and take over, while saying they are being Your friend. They will hurt you, tell your secrets, and then lash out at you; forcing your significant other t defend this ‘friend!’ Is this just or fair? No, but trying to show your SO what you know is true, will make them more angry with you. 

Are you listening to your vows and promises that you made to your significant other, or the whispers telling you how bad this person is for you? 

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