Phoneetics are Fun

A friend was going through bins of her children’s papers and memories and shared one with me this morning. 

Her three children are all now adults, and two are married already. All of her kids have fantastic senses of humor. She sent me this snapshot of a note she found. Apparently, she wasin the Phoenetics portion of learning, and was sounding out ‘boring,’ and wrote ‘bore-ring’ which actually sounds and looks correct for a small child. The end of this letter, however, had me cackling like a fucking idiot for almost half an hour straight. Here you go...

Now, I give her TWO THUMBS UP for the sounding out of her words, and I give her a snap, clap, and Bazinga!, for how she wanted her mom to respond to her frustration over her brother. If I had a daughter, and she wrote me this note at that age; I’d take her out for ice cream. How do you respond to this!? 

I remember sitting in First grade with my teacher during some 1-on-1 time about sounds of vowels. Like how the word ‘Read’ when used in past tense, “I read a book,” would be pronounced ‘red.’ 

At that age, I remember being able to tell my teacher I knew the vowels made sounds because of how the word sounds when it isn’t present, and how that changes the meaning of the word, and it’s presence in the sentence or phrase. It made perfect sense to my 1st grade brain that the way something is spelled affects its meaning also, and could affect whether it’s still the noun/verb/adjective it was supposed to be. 

And the more I think about things like that, the more I smile now instead of frown. I’m trying to be done with the negatives. I’m tired of saying that my mom should have allowed me the gifted & talented program I was offered many times as a child. I was offered many opportunities in life to be amazing, and my mother held me back. I’m 39 now, and she’s no longer alive. Why am I still blaming her for so much? Yes, she could have been more Present in My Life, but she was too busy Hiding in Her Life, from many things I’m sure I’ll never know. 

Hiding pain isn’t exactly easy in our family. in my family. People attack your weakest points when you least expect them to, and right when you are least able to handle it. That’s how they operate. 

I do not. I only ever do that when I’m: 

1. backed into a corner

2. Extremely unstable and cannot have what I truly need (mental health care usually) at that moment 

3. Times of extreme pressure, when I’m about to crack, and I don’t know it’s coming. 

I don’t even know all the list of adjectives I’d use to describe certain family members. They all have flaws; me the most, I believe. 

As a child, I was consistently called an ‘instigator’ by my family, simply because I would point out their improper use of words like that, to try and be helpful. 

It’s an unfortunate side effect of untreated mental illnesses. I can take partial blame for it. But I’m in much better control than most people would be, without therapy or proper psychological pharmaceuticals. I’m blessed to have my Medical Cannabis though. 

Having my eyes opened (my brain allowing me to ‘see around everything’), makes a huge difference. And if I can harness/control the rage/mania, and settle my reactions to life more; I’ll happily stay unmedicated so I can use my brain and my illnesses to my community’s advantage. If I can figure things out using my unique brain chemistry and skill set, I could absolutely do almost anything. Controlling it, is what’s hard. 

You don’t know what to expect from pharmaceuticals. Everyone is so very unique in body type, health history, environmental impact from upbringing, etc. why think that one medication works the same for everyone? 

I won’t always sacrifice my pain to you

I won’t always come to you with my pain. That has to be fine. It just has to be. 

Here’s why I’m no good at stories

Don’t assume to think to know what to expect from someone like myself, ever. I’m mostly sarcasm and sass; sprinkled with a fuckton of raw bluntness, and thanks to my fucked up brain...a very colorful vocabulary! The only times I mince words are from brain fog or lowered ability to communicate; due to heightened anxieties. 

I probably won’t say what you want to hear, but it may not exactly be the wrong thing to hear ever; but rather an alternative viewpoint not yet considered. I’m good for readjusting skewed viewpoints. 

Looking at a child being raised with zero responsibility, and seeing all the lost moments of failure while building self esteem rather than greed... 

We’re failing ourselves, folks

Didn’t see that coming did you? 

Neither did I! That’s my point! While my brain thinks, it unravels explanations as I speak through the thought process. It’s not easy to follow, and will annoy the fuck out of someone with zero patience and a hate for 30-something empowered women, who speak their damned minds...no matter what pops out their mouths! Yes, we have an explosion of consciousness happening! It’s been going on for a VERY long time! Where have you been? Men are now feminists!! Are you in the dark ages dragging your wife around by her hair? Yes, you! White man in the wife beater drinking a beer...and dragging your poor wife by her hair! 

Quit the dumb shit and WAKE THE FUCK UP! 

Yup, didn’t see that one coming either 

That’s like me and telling stories. 

I. Just. Can’t. 

I don’t know why. I don’t know when it started. I just know that people never listened and I realized that I think too much. Like, WAY TOOOOO MUCH! So in trying to reach through the fog to remember details, my brain pieces together jigsaw puzzles from seventeen other occasions that have many common variables that are odd as fuck (to put it mildly). Because why not go ahead and just let me not be the amazing story-tellers that many chemically imbalanced people become. No, not MY destiny. I still write, but it isn’t the same as it once was, or was before that, or over my entire life-span. No, poetry will always be in my soul, but novels will never be published by me, plays never performed with my name attached as a writer, and certainly no tv series production being made any time soon - that’s somehow based on my boringly exciteable life -just no. 

I’m okay with never getting to finish a story, because it keeps me thinking when my mouth stops moving, after you’ve all stopped listening. My brain is always on. It likes to try and remind me often that it controls all of me. 

I remind my Brain often, that it’s my bitch, and I could medicate it into oblivion if I wanted to, with legal pharmaceuticals. I could figuratively cut off that appendage, and have it ‘grow back’ (different) from going back off of psychiatric medication for the major contradictory symptoms. 

But, my brain knows I don’t have mental health insurance coverage. So it beats me up with facts while I retaliate with hope and a Warrior spirit. 

And that has been 20 minutes of me making this post. Corrections are minimal for full impact. Tear it up, y’all

Much love, 

Your travel guide down this amazing rabbit hole of a life,

AdorkableHarleyFairy

It’s okay for your soul to have bullet points and asterisks

Life takes turns, and we can’t always express ourselves, but our soul’s true intentions show in our actions. 

I see you struggling, and feeling alone. 

I know it feels like you can’t trust anyone right now, and that’s okay. Your feelings are valid, no matter who made you feel them currently, recently, or from the past. 

I’m here. 

I see the pain you’re trying to hide. Most won’t, but I applaud your bravery and courage. And it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. 

I’m here. 

I see how pain can lead to desperation for an escape. Your feelings are valid; the questions you’re asking are what’s wrong. But it’s alright if you don’t want to talk about it. 

I’m here. 

I see the storm brewing beneath the surface, and I’d like to help you through the rough patch...and make sure you arrive safely to shore. But it’s okay if you’re not ready right now. 

I’m here. 

I see the posts you’ve written, and I know the attention you seek is just love and understanding. Your feelings are valid. I see and hear you. And it’s okay if you feel overwhelmed. 

I’m here. 

I want to celebrate YOU

Yes, finally time to celebrate you! All the wonderful and awful things about you! 

Yes, you, Mr Struggles 

You make my life hell daily, and you confuse the hell out of me. Face it, you’re confused most of the time yourself. You have horrible timing, you ruin good times consistently. You fudge up any plans, and always find a way to make any day so much worse. You’ve drained my accounts, kept me guessing, and completely turned my world upside-down. I run out of breath from jumping to conclusions over you and your completely weird ways. 

But you’ve changed my life irrevocably, and I’m kinda grateful for that! I’ve met some pretty fantastic people through my relationship with you. I’ve been places, seen stuff, tried things that I never would have. These friends you helped me find are so amazing. They tell me that you teach people lessons that they aren’t ready to learn. You are people change the course of their lives forever, and some in positive ways? How’s that possible when you are nothing but a pain? 

Thank you mental and physical illnesses for opening my eyes to something I had forgotten about. 

Dear BiPolar- 

For all your good, and bad, I don’t think I ever would have chosen the easy road. Thank you for protecting me when I needed it, comforted me when nobody else could, and allowed me to love me again, and to appreciate and grow to love you as well

My Mask Hides Many Faces

I'm 39, and I have lived at a much reduced capacity these past 10 years. My body and mind began to fail me horribly, as my physical and mental health both took an enormous step forward, together.

I have many entangled invisible illnesses that feed off each other, both mental and physical...
This makes it that much harder to 'show' that everyone deals with life differently. I have the courage to be the face and voice. It isn't always easy to brace myself against the waves of insults, people trying to shame me or spur an emotional response when they know I'm feeling emotional. I'm fine with that, because if I'm not brave enough, it means very little to those I'm trying so hard to inspire and encourage.

Living my life out loud means I have to show all the things that are good, bad, and indifferent about my issues. Feeling out what something would look like if my illnesses weren't so 'invisible.' I wear my emotions as my armor. Most days, my clothes reflect how I feel. Just because you don't think it matches, doesn't mean that the truth.

Having a BiPolar brain means I can see around many things, from various angles & aspects. Hearing someone tell me I need to see things from their point of view is useless, because they don't realize that I can, and their point of view is skewed by emotion.

I have a very long list of many mental & physical diagnoses, and my specialists are still trying to diagnose/eliminate some pretty big masquerading invisible illnesses.

Join me on my journey of Advocacy, pain, encouragement, disappointment, aggravation, desperation, and adorkable delights.

The Warrior Within

There lives inside of me, a feisty Warrior that feeds on injustice and finds ways to bring good to as many people as possible.

She has a compulsion to inspire others, encourage & uplift them, and to help those who are down on their luck. She has given her entire life, not needing notoriety or self-gain from helping others. The act of giving alone, is gift enough for her. Helping others or cheering them up, heals her in a way nothing else does.
Yes, I find a disconnect with my inner Warrior. There are times she needs the rest, and I need the break from her constant need to be everywhere for everyone. Learning to self-moderate and be your own shut-off button is a major curve!! But in using purposeful mindfulness these last few years, I've surprised myself by how much stronger a Warrior I become after each obstacle is obliterated, and my weapons and armor come off for the sleep that is due after each rough setback and battle.
Having a 100% survival rate in this life isn't easy, but with the right people by my side at the right times, I have managed to overcome some of the worst things this world could conjure up at times. And as always, when it rains, it pours. Hell, the past 9.5yrs have been completely mind-blowing just falling ill and going part time and losing my job, then becoming disabled all within the first year alone...Life is rough, but you have to keep telling yourself that there's a reason you're here - then go find that reason!!!